My big babies

So at this moment I don't want to think about hospitals, DHS, or court dates. I think more than ever, lately I am reminded that our children are not really our own, none of them. They are God's children, and we never know how long we will have any of them, or if they could get sick or worse. But right now, at this time, these 3 beautiful children are MINE, and nobody else's. They are happy and healthy, and my proudest accomplishment in life. I love them so much, they re my life.

If you knew Rachel as a younger child, then you will remember this famous face of hers. She has grown out of this, and is always quick to give me her beautiful smiles these days, but she had to throw it in there for fun.

This one is my all time favorite of her. This is just my baby right here.

In the hospital

Talan has been having trouble eating the entire time we have had him. It did get better for about 2 weeks, and he made those great accomplishments I talked about in his 4 month old post. I have taken him to the doctor several times, and they haven't been able to help me, and that has been very frurstrating. While his eating was better, and his strength was growing, I thought we were on an uphill climb with this. Then, his eating started declining again, and he just kept getting weaker, and eating less, and finally, Tuesday night, I knew I had to take him in. They admitted him Tuesday night to try to figure out what all is going on with him. He won't eat at all now, and is even weaker now that he is in the hospital. So far, all the tests they have run have come back negative. They are wondering if his lack of eating is neurological, b/c they said around 4 or 5 months, a babies eating switches from being reflexive, to their brain telling them when to eat.....and his brain just may not be able to do that. I hope that in't the case. They are ruling everything else out first, but we are looking at a feeding tube with him probably. It looks like he is going to be in for several days....he hasn't made any progress so far. He is so pitiful, it makes me so sad. I want to be there with him all the time and hold him and love on him. We all really miss him here. It is hard not having one of my babies here with me, and feeling so helpless. I have been able to go up there 2 or 3 times a day and staying 1-2 hrs at a time. That is just all I can do with 4 other kids in tow. I am so torn....I need to spend time with him, I need to be giving attention to the other 3, I want to hold onto Zach and not let go as I think about next week. Luckily, someone from church called, and is getting together a group of people to take turns going to the hospital and holding and loving on him. That was such a relief to me! Please keep him, and the rest of us in your prayers!

It just melted my heart to watch my kids when we went to the hospital to see him. They were so sweet, and so worried about him. I didn't tell them to do this for the photos, they just all ran up to love on him.

LLeah had to be the mommy she is and cover him up!! She also brought him this little stuffed animal....and when I got there today, the nurses had it sitting right there on his chest, I thought that was so neat.

The kids made him cards for us to hang up on his bed. Noah's said, "Talan wins the race". I love it!

This is him today, while I was holding him. Here you can see where they have given a feeding tube through his nose. They were trying this temporarily to try to get his strength up b/c a stomach tube is their last resort. They had him on pedialite through the tube, and then he threw up, so they have him back on just saline now through the I.V. I miss my baby, I am ready for him to come home, but I want more than anything for them to figure what is wrong with him.

my 10th photo, and more prayers

My sweet blog friend Lindsay-Ann (thanks to Angie) did a post today about posting your 10th photo, in your 1st folder on your computer. So, I was just curious what that may be. Well the first folder in my computer, is Clay's pics. That is the folder where he puts all the pics he takes just playing around. This rose picture, is one he took not long after we bought our first nice digital camera. When we were "just starting out". He had bought these roses for me, I can't remember the occasion, but was trying out the macro feature on a new lens. I have always loved this photo, and I ordered it as a 16x20 as my first big print from a professional lab as a test photo. It still hangs in my bedroom, and I love it.

I am so behind on everything these days. Please keep us in your prayers as our youngest baby T is in the hospital right now. He has had a lot of feeding issues, and now he won't take a bottle at all, so he is in the hospital until they can figure out what is going on. We are really missing him, and I have been trying to go up there as much as possible. And, court is next week for baby Z. **check out my other blog for a better update on what is going on with baby T.** www.blessingsforthegoodlife.com

4 months, and 11 months

Talan and Zachariah were both born on the 2nd, so they reach their monthly b-days on the same day...(which I am behind on!) Talan is 4 months old now. He is continuing to make progress. I am really proud of this picture below. Look at how good he is holding his head up on his belly!! It doesn't take him long to get tired, but I am so proud of him for getting this far. Just a month ago, he wouldn't even move his head from side to side. He still loves to talk. In fact, he is talking in this picture...straining, and talking....cracks me up! He smiles are a little more frequent....a couple of times I think they have even been purposeful smiles, and not just reflexes. He is eating much better. I had a hard couple of weeks with him not eating, the doctor was talking about a feeding tube, but he is eating great now. I have found a daycare for both boys, I don't take them everyday, but the days I do take them, it really helps me out! Like this week, Zachariah had 2 different appointments, and it was nice to be able to take Talan to daycare so that I didn't have 2 babies in tow. I love the daycare, it is such a blessing...it is such a relief to know I have a break when I need it, and it helps me get through the evenings a lot easier, and more time with individual babies, and my own kids. I don't feel so trapped. The people up there are great too. So nice, and very good with the kids, and they love Talan!! It makes it so much easier to take him. He is such a sweety. Cute as he can be. We are all really loving him.

Zachariah is 11 months. He still isn't walking, like I thought he might be, but gets closer every day. He stood up last night without holding onto anything, and stood for about 5 seconds. Nothing stops him at all, and he is on the move too! He has learned to really clap his hands, and loves to do it. Every little thing he does, he stops and claps for himself. He loves to play patty cake...he has that "rolling, and a rolling" down pat...it is so funny! He is thowing kisses, and will say Hi and Bye, and will say them appropriately. It surprises me every time. He is starting to mimic a lot of sounds. He is finally starting to figure out a sippy cup...that has been a hard one for us. He can be pretty stubborn when it comes to the way he eats/drinks. He is becoming a lot more socialable. He always attracts a lot of attention when we go out in public...people have always had to stop and say something. Used to, he would just stare at him with a furrowed brow. Now, he will give them a big smile. Today at the doc's office, I noticed he was purposely trying to get someone's attention to look at him, and then he really cut up for them when they noticed. I think he was flirting....he likes the attention now...or expects it, I am not sure which. haha

I have had a lot of people ask me if he is cross-eyed, or think something is wrong with his eyes. I have felt all along that he was just fine, but even doctors and therapist have been concerned, so today was his opthamology appointment. The doctor said he was just fine, nothing at all wrong with him. I knew it! I have argued with a lot of people that his eyes are not turning in...it is just that they have folds of skin at the corners that show less of the white on the inside. I am glad I can now say confidently that nothing is wrong. haha

I was surprised by this one on the camera....Noah took it of them two...so ignore the crusty nose, but I thought it was cute!

Prayers...

Zachariah's court hearing will be on the 25th, 2 weeks away. I just got an e-mail from his attorney, and I think I am going to have to testify. That makes me sick to my stomach. See, his dad has been missing a lot of visits, and the ones he comes to he cuts short, and at the staffing meetings, the case worker didn't mention that he cuts his visits short, but this happens very frequently. The attorney told me today that this is not the story the case worker has told them, and that she is going to call me to testify that it is true. Now, I of course, want to do whatever needs to be done for my baby, but this makes me so nervous. I am going to talk to the case worker about it, b/c I don't want her to think I am going against her. The attorney just said that his reg visits are the best thing going for the dad, so it is very important to tell that he is cutting them short. I wanted to throw up when I read the e-mail from her. I tell ya, she is getting her game plan on, and is prepared to fight for him. She told me that her goal is still adoption, and she wants it to be by our family. That makes me want to jump for joy, but SO many things could play in to make the judge not go that way....so I don't want to get my hopes up. But, she told me more things about dad, and the more I hear about him, I am truly sickened at the thought of Zach being taken from our family to be raised by him. Do you hear me? Sick. I can't stand it. I was overwhelmed by it the other night and was praying and crying as I went to sleep.

Please, friends, pray for him. Pray for me. Pray for our family. Pray for the attorneys and the judge, that she has wisdom in her decision. Please, please pray for this precious little boy to be ours. I am very selfish is saying, I want him to be mine for ever.

Zachariah and Memommy

This is a photo of Zachariah with my Aunt Susan and my grandmother "Memommy". We went to see them last weekend. I was worried about a 3 hr 1 way trip to Louisiana with our crew...especially Talan, but I put his car seat between Noah and Leah, and they kept him happy on the trip. My Aunt's fiance, who is my uncle to me, took a lot of great pictures, but he e-mailed this one to me last night, and I love it. My grandmother looks so happy. She is 91 years old, and hurts a lot, so to see a smile that big on her face is priceless. She is smitten with him just like the rest of us! It was so sweet to watch.

Happy Birthday Leah!

Leah, today you are 7. Wow you are growing up. You are such a beautiful young lady. You have your daddy's eyes, and they are just gorgeous on you. When I was pregnant with you, you were the most wiggly baby ever. Wiggled all the time. I didn't have an ultrasound until I was about 35 weeks along, and that was b/c I had fallen. I spent all that time wondering if I would have a little girl, and hoping I would, to go with my little boy. I had even bought you a little pink before I knew....you know, "just in case". I was picturing a little blond haired girl/boy running around with Noah, and wow were we surprised when you came along with all that beautiful black hair! You were a sweet baby from the beginning. You slept almost the whole night the very first night home from the hospital. You ahve been my sweety, peacemaker, rule follower, calm in the storm ever since. When your brother and sister are fighting, I can usually look over at you sitting so calmly, just tuning it out. For the moment, you have left behind your drama queen status, and I know I can always count on you to have peace. You are so laid back, but also still, my wiggliest child. I love to take you with me shopping....it is just like having a friend along.

You are my super reader, and super speller, and always take the most time with your handwriting and coloring, and do a great job at it. You are my long-legs Leah...you will be tall just like your momma and Aunt Kara. You have such nice thick hair, that all your family would love to have. You have a witt about you like none other.....you are a lot like your daddy. You love to cook, made your own birthday cupcakes, and such a big help with me in the kitchen. You are so good with the babies, so gentle, and love to take care of them. You will be a wonderful momma some day!

I love you so much Leah, and you are such a blessing to me. I am so proud to be your momma, your teacher, and your friend.