losing my mind......

O.k....I thought about it, and I am going to republish this post. I just felt bad b/c I didn't want it to appear that I am mad at Clay. I love him very much....this is really all about my own craziness!

Do you ever have those days....I mean weeks where you are in a permanent bad mood?? I do...it seems to last a week or 2 at a time...and most of the hostility is directed toward my husband. There is nothing he does to set me off.....but everything he does drives me insane! I hate that I get this way...it is not fair to him at all. He really is a very patient man, and puts up with a lot. I wonder how I would feel if 2 weeks out of every month he acted like he hated my guts?? Not very good. I pray about it....to please change my attitude, and some days it really works.

My husband quitting his job to join me full time at home.....has really rocked my world. Now, I am not going to pretend that I was sane before....I wasn't. But, I felt like I sorta had it together. You know, on the weekend, when your husband is at home and all day long you seem to run around...from one thing to the next....answering to your kids...pretending to be nice to him...trying to stay on top of your game......Well, that is me.....every day of my life! You know how when your husband is at home, even if you are glad to have him around....the entire atmosphere is different?? Or, how about how it is so hard to be on the phone when he is at home. Or....you know....you are trying to clean house, chase after screaming kids....and he suddenly wants to come up and hug and kiss you....or get right in your face??? That is me....everyday!! Now, I will say, he does not try to be as affectionate toward me anymore b/c I have scared him off....(probaby also b/c I purposely wear my nightgown all day, or don't wash my hair...that is me saying, LEAVE ME ALONE!)

Or, you get everything just where you want it in the kitchen....then he comes along and cooks, or cleans...and the next time you are in there, you can't find anything?? Happens to me every week. Oh, and you know, I have been trying to decorate our house....and he normally acts like he don't care....uninterested when I try to talk to him about it. And you know, he is around all the time, so you know I talk to him about it a lot...and his response is always....I don't care whatever....or Why do you even need curtains there! And then, after I get things just the way I think I want them....he will seem to throw some comment in there.....and ruin it all for me! Yesterday we got in a spat regarding putting the leaf in our dining table or not. I want it....he thinks it is too crowded! URGH!

I just feel like I can't make any decision at all for myself anymore. I just want it to me be, at home, taking care of my family, with him at work until 5 everyday. That is selfish of me to feel that way, and I know it. He is so happy being at home...he loves it, and is so involved in the kid's life. Me, on the other hand...am a total basket case, and can't pull myself out of the deep hole I have fallen in. Our situation is not going to change anytime soon. I mention getting a job, and the whole family says... NO, we want you at home with us! I don't know why they would want this crabby old woman here! I hate the person I have become, seriously! I am a grouch, ALL THE TIME these days.

Today, I got up...and couldn't stand the sight of him....literally. I didn't want to face another day with him right there....all day long. I leave the house when I can, but there are things here that I need to get done, and I want to be here, just not have him here too! So, I just grumbled something, went in the bedroom, and locked the door, and went back to bed for 2 hrs....It was literally b/c that is all I could stand to do!

So, the kids are at the neighbors right now, and Clay said he was leaving for a little while to give me some time to myself. You see, he will leave, and only after I have gotten so horrible, I can't stand myself. I can't believe that I am typing this out on my blog....I am not sure who all even reads this. But just know, I am not bashing my husband at all....he is a wonderful husband, really. I am bashing myself....the monster I have become, and I desperately want to change.

So, I am asking for everyone to please pray for me! Please pray that I can learn to be happy in our home with my husband everyday. Pray that I can get my groove back and feel like I can function again. I honestly don't even recognize myself. Nothing seems to make me happy anymore. Everything in my life that I have to do just absolutely irritates me. I have to totally fake it when I am nice to him or even the kids. I love them so much, and am so scared I am warping them with my constant grouchiness.