What keeps me going everyday...

Well, I have set my blog to private, and will probably keep it that way. I just feel like it is best for our family to have it that way. Thank you everyone for coming for a look!

August 26th, our adoption date (HOOORAY!!!) can't get here fast enough. I know I have shared a bit that we have had to fight to keep these boys together. I have been the brunt of scrutiny and criticism from their aunt. She has made up lies, twisted my words, tried to make me out to be a bad person every step of the way. This has been really hard for me...I have never had an enemy that I can think of. I like to lay low, and never cause drama. I want people to like me. Especially when I have nothing but good intentions meant. Just last week, their aunt sent out an e-mail trying to stir up trouble. It was all lies, our attorney assured us that it doesn't change anything, but it really has upset me. I can't defend myself, I can't tell her what I think of her...I just have to remain quiet, and let it pass. You know, I beat myself up bad enough, I don't need her running me down too.

I know all that she says are lies. She says I am overwhelmed, overworked, worn out....well that may be true...what momma isn't? I know she would be after spending 2 days with these 2 little boys. She says I love my older kids more, she prays I will treat the younger boys like I do my own. She says our older kids are being neglected. I have too many children. lalalala

I wish she could see these photos. Read my words, know my heart. Doesn't she understand that the reason I fought for them so hard was b/c I love them so much? Our caseworker suggested to me a few months ago that I "let Christian go" so that we wouldn't chance losing Zachariah too. I cried an entire weekend, until Clay and I both said there was no way we could do that. These boys deserved for us to fight for them to stay together, and how could I choose to let one go, and let one stay. I would NEVER choose to let one of our bio kids leave so that one could stay. I would fight for them to be together, and to be with us until the end, and that is what we did for the boys. I think about him suggesting that to me.....it was gut wrenching for me to think of losing Zachariah. Part of me thought that maybe I should do that, b/c I was his momma, and I had to fight to not lose him. Each time I said to myself, "o.k....Christian can go"....I just burst into tears. It was just as gut wrenching to think of losing him as it was Zachariah. In a way, I am glad that happened. That weekend, I knew, without a doubt, that fighting for them was the right thing for me to do, no regrets. I think back and think if I had taken his crappy advice...and I look at the end result. I would not have been trusting God, trusting his plan by getting scared and giving up. I would have lost my son....but instead we fought, and we won.

Yes, I have a lot of kids. Yes, I am always tired. Yes, I get overwhelmed. Yes, I do enjoy having alone time with my big kids, and a break from them all. I also miss the babies everyday when they are at school, always questioning if I have made the right decision for them to go, and so glad to see them every afternoon. And Yes, I love all 5 of them, with every ounce of my heart, and I am so grateful for our blessings. These last 2 years have been HARD...SO HARD...but looking at these photos...I would not change one single thing.

Do you see how much he loves his sister?
Look at this full table of younguns? This was from a weekend that Amber and Hunter stayed with us.

Such sweet precious boys. I look at these photos, and think back 2 years ago when we took them into our home. Zachariah was 6 weeks old, Hunter was 7 months old.

All I can do is just beam when I look at this photo :)

I fall in love with him all over again everytime I catch moments like this.

Being a daddy to these little boys that don't have daddy's...I couldn't be prouder of my man.

Not all our photos are perfect, but they still make me laugh :)

Oh, my sweet Talan. You have taught our family so much. Everytime I see you, I just can't get enough hugs and kisses! When I think of my children, you are always included in my heart.

Big brother reading to his little brothers. He is so proud to go from the only boy to having 2 brothers. Very proud.

:)

His smile can always turn a bad mood around....how can 1 babies smile be so stinking cute? And his eyes just sparkle...

This crazy boy had his shorts on like this when I got him out of bed yesterday morning. You know that I have 5 kids when I just let him wear them that way for most of the day. I love how he cheeses for me everytime I take his picture now!

Do you see my little teeth coming in???

Happy, silly, moments

boys already fighting over the Wii remote...that they aren't even suppose to have!

They love to stand at the window together and look out. I smile everytime I watch them there. Christian is SO short!! They are only 15 months apart, the same age difference as Leah and Rachel. I can't imagine someone trying to seperate them. To live seperately...

how could someone wanting to do that be wanting what is best for them? Seems pretty selfish to me.

learning to brush his teeth from big sis. There are many things that he won't do for me, that he will do for her. She helps him learn in so many ways.

The only time he will sit still is if he is sitting on the beanbag with one of them, and usually Rachel. Christian has his eyes set on those Apple Jacks!! He is never far behind....just as a little brother should be.

and look at my little boy standing....he has 4 other people to catch up to!!