Not much to blog about...

I want to blog, but just don't have much to blog about on this blog these days. It seems like most of what is going on around here these days involves things I can't talk about publicly, and most of my photos have the babies included, so I can't post those either. Things are just different around here now, our life is rush, rush, rush, so there isn't much chance to grab the camera out.

Maybe I will get inspired this weekend to take some photos of the kids, I doubt we will be doing anything fun....we don't seem to do much these days.

If you read this post, please leave me a comment. I am wondering how many readers I have these days. I know I don't comment on other blogs the way I used to, and other ones that used to comment don't really blog anymore, so I am just wondering who all is out there reading these days.

So, for now, I will leave you with a photo of Clay and Me,

and of my sister Kara, and her husband Nick. They live in Hawaii now. Man, I wish I could fly out and see her! I am so glad they got to come home for Christmas and we got to see them. I sure to miss her living so far away.

What FASD means for us right now....

This one is a tough one, b/c with his history of drug exposure as well, you don't really know where things are coming from. They told me it is actually very hard to diagnose it, and even more so at a young age, so I kinda felt lucky to get the diagnosis. I haven't quit figured out how to go about getting it, but they said that his diagnosis will qualify him for SSI, which he will get even once he is adopted. And he can stay on Medicaid, which will be nice, b/c if pays for everything medical.

When he was first diagnosed, the doctor asked me how I felt about him having that diagnosis. I told her it didn't affect us at all, and in a way, I was relieve wthat it would help him get money for the future. I know we don't have any guarantees that any of our children won't get an illness. I do know, though he already has cards stacked against him, and will need therapies and such, and we have no idea what the road ahead will be like.

I didn't think at first that the FASD would really mean any different from the drug exposure, so it didn't change things for me in my mind at all. We all love Zachariah, and we are all committed to just take each day at a time with him, each problem at a time, and deal with that. I am learning that the alcohol affects are much worse than the drug affects. As in, if he develops ADHD, or other behavior things as a result, medication may not help. His brain was affected while it was developing, so it is different. I have to learn new ways for him.

He was diagnosed when he was about 13 months based on the things I have mentioned. At the time, he didn't seem like he had any delays, but I was noticing some behavior things, and some sensory things, but both could have been contributed to his age...b/c 1 yr olds have tantrums, some babies rock themselves to sooth, and make weird noises.

Now he is 18 months old. He doesn't sleep well at night. This is one of the most common things I am finding with children with FASD. I am finding that I am lucky, in that when he wakes up, he begins his self soothing, and doesn't cry out for me to come to him. Some nights, he will sleep just fine. The other night, Christian was carrying on, and it never phased Zach's snoring. Other nights, like last night, he "rocks the house" most of the night. I use that term b/c in our 2 story home, his rocking and head banging literally do vibrate the ceiling downstairs. My mom, who slept on our couch one night can vouch for that! She was lucky enough to stay with us on one of his sleepless nights. He kept her awake most of the night....and me, being right across the hall, never even knew he was awake, b/c he never cried out for me. He wakes up, and either rocks back and forth, or will bang his head on the mattress in a rhythmic pattern. And hum....to the beat of his rocking. I talked with the FASD team about it, and they said there is really nothing I can to do for him. He isn't in distress, he is self soothing, and to just work out how it affects the rest of the family. Well, it really doesn't affect anyone. I do hear it when I get up with Christian, and it used to really stress me out...to the extent that I couldn't fall back asleep, but the FASD team eased a lot of my concerns. I bought him a glowworm for Christmas, and also hung a music player in his bed. Now, I know he is awake b/c I will hear his music playing. He has been a lot calmer with his thrashing since I got those things for him, b/c he has things to do while he is awake. I also play soothing music all night long. The team seems to think he will grow out of some of these sensory issues, and I am anxious to begin occupational therapy with him, which they think he will benefit from the most.

Behavior. That one is hard right now b/c 1 1/2 year olds have tantrums. Rachel was the queen of them. Zachariah's on the other hand, or more frequent, and more irrational. He will just throw down his body and scream. I can usually sooth and calm him easily, luckily. What is scary for me is that he rares his head back full force and hits the floor. Yes, he may cry that it hurt, but will again, do it 5 mins later. He doesn't seem to learn from pain. I have learned to see them coming some, and will stick my foot out to brace his head fall.

He is slow to understand consequences, as in, tumbling down the stairs, he can't understand that he has to ease down them...he is learning though, it is just slower learning for him that with other children. That is what I am learning. He does learn things, but it takes longer. I was told, if it takes a "normal" child 2-3 times to learn something, it may take 100 times for him, but he will get it. Patience....yes learning lots of patience. It is a good thing I am an older, mom, with some experience, as my patience level with babies has mellowed alot, and it is easier for me to tolerate his behaviors than I did when my kids were little. It does help to know these things about his brain, to know it just takes him longer.

Well this is a long post, so I will end for now...still have more to say for another day.

3 months

I am working on my second post on FASD, but for now, I have to tell you all about our little bit at 3 months old. He is weighing in at about 11 lbs now. He is such a cutie... I am just so in love with him. He is just beautiful, like his brother. He does officially have brown eyes. They have been gray for awhile, so I wasn't sure what they were going to be, but he has now joined the house of brown eyes, putting Noah and me the odd people out with our hazel eyes. He is holding his head up really well, smiling, cooing, sleeping through the night (AWESOME! :) and rolling over. He actually did this at 6 weeks and totally surprised us, but had stopped for awhile after coming out of the hospital. I think this is mainly contributed to the fact that he does not want me to put him down, and when I say me, I mean ME. Oh my, this is the biggest momma's baby I have ever had. He wants me, all the time. He has become pretty fussy, and I am wondering if a formula change would help any. I love that he is so bonded with me, but it is also bittersweet with the uncertainty of his fate.

He is a very alert baby, and seems to be pretty close on target with his milestones. Besides the fussiness, he is doing great, and we just love having him in our family! I feel like he completes our family, and I am praying, (begging) that the Lord sees it through for him to stay with us. Here he is in his stroller at the zoo yesterday. See him staring at me? I had the visor adjusted and he could see up, and he kept his eyes on me. He will break his neck to keep his eyes on me when I am moving about the room. If I am not holding him, he wants me in his sight.

I tried to take our picture, and he kept just looking at me

Beautiful brown eyes, and long pretty eyelashes too. I notice eyelashes b/c I have such puney ones. All my kids have better eyelashes than I do.

A rare moment that he allowed someone else to feed/comfort him

Literacy night at school

Before Christmas, they had a literacy night at school. I was kinda confused leading up to it, b/c the kids kept coming home singing Christmas songs, and I think even they thought they were learning them for this night. It ended up, it was for a Christmas program at school the last day before x-mas break, and I didn't even know about it to attend. Our kids are so quiet, when they don't know something, they don't ask, and did get very good info to tell me, so I missed out on that.

Anyway, for literacy night, each grade had their own thing they did. Rachel's class sang a song about the alphabet, all the words were Christmas related words.

It is a good thing Rachel had her friend standing beside her to watch, b/c she didn't take her eyes off her the whole time. She just watched her and did what she was doing. It was so funny. She had a good time up there.
I couldn't get a very good shot of Leah. She is the one taller than the boys around here in the back :) with the red hairbow. I think theirs was a poem about Christmas that they read.

Noah acted so shy and nervous. She never looked up from his paper, and fidgeted the whole time. It is so funny how he and Rachel were so oposite, yet Noah is my outgoing child that will talk to anyone, and Rachel is super shy. They read a story about Christmas.

Thank you Pet Smart, for having a trade in policy!

Remember our pet mice? Those things stunk like you wouldn't believe. I mean Stink. I would burn a candle beside their cage, and spray lysol like crazy, and cleaning their cage did not help. I couldn't even eat in the kitchen b/c the smell made me sick. That lasted...about a week I think. The kids loved the mice, but they agreed they stunk as well, so they agreed to let the mice go back to the store.

Meet Chiney. She is a chinese dwarf hampster, and she smells.....so much better. After a week of not cleaning the cage, you can only smell her smell if you get right up beside the cage. That, I can live with. She is so cute!! She is pretty boring, as she sleeps all day long. She doesn't freak me out like the mice did either. Pet Smart let us bring the mice back with no hassle what so ever, and we got her for the price of the other 3 mice, and momma is much happier now. :)

Diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder

This is something I want to talk about, just to get the information out there, and also, just a record for myself, so later, I can look back and see where exactly we began. Zachariah has been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. This can mean a lot of different things, for different people. There are so many factors that go into it as well. I will just tell you where we are. DHS has started a program with UAMS to study this disorder with Foster Children in Arkansas. Until now, it there really hasn't been any information about it in our state, and no doctors with any experience in it. The statistics have found that foster children have a greater risk of having this, just b/c of the environmental/behavioral issues of their mothers during their pregnancy. Many drink. Many use other substances as well, and heavily, as in the case of both our boys. Alcohol is different in how it affects the brain as it is developing. A child with FASD's brain will look much different from that of a normal brain.

As I am short on time today, I will just begin with our diagnosis. Zachariah came into care before they were testing for this, but his attorney ad litem referred him to the clinic for testing, b/c she said he had visible facial signs of it. I had never noticed this as a concern until she pointed it out. I had just thought he was going to have a large nose, or that this was just hereditary from his dad. They began by taking a photo of him, and measuring his facial features on the photo. There is a plot system, certain things they look at, and if they score a 3 our 5 or more, then they will go in and see the doctor for further examination. Zachariah scored a 2. But, they also did this photo when he as 11 months old, and they said it is really hard at that age to get an accurate photo, and just diagnosis in general b/c there isn't as many factors they can look at early on.

Here is a recent photo of him, not smiling, just so I can point it out. Notice the bridge across his nose, it is wide and flat. Also, he has skin flaps over the corner of his eyes. These are facial features. Also, above his lip is flat, it doesn't have the crease like most people's do. There are other facial features, but these are the ones he has. Even though Zach's score wasn't high enough for testing,the recommended it anyway b/c of his mom's history. The doctor plotted his growth, and was concerned b/c he was a normal size at birth, and then immediately dropped way down on the charts, below the 10th percentile, and that is where he has stayed. He has also had a very small head circumference. These are all diagnosing factors.

I included the one below of Chrisian, and then younger photos of Zachariah. I see things in Christian too, that concern me, and they said they will go ahead and test him early since his brother has a diagnosis. It will still be after he is a year old though probably. I am, though, preparing myself to use that as an argument that he needs younger parents to raise him. There is a big chance, of a long tough road ahead, they may even need parenting support as adults as well. Christian has the same eye folds, the bridge of his nose is very similar, and he has a small lower jaw, also a diagnosing factor. He is also growing slowly, and is small.

He really reminds me of Christian in the below photo.

Zachariah's mouth crease wasn't as flat when he was little. His diagnosing features have become much more prominant, even since his diagnosis. He is the same age as Christian is now in this photo.

Polar Express Day

I say this every week, that I need to catch up on my blogging, I am going to TRY. On this day, before Christmas break, the 1st graders had a Polar Express day. They have been reading the book, and writing about it. I have never read the book, but it is a lot different from the movie. The kids were so excited! They got to bring p.j.'s and pillows and blankets, and the stage was fixed up like a train, and they had snacks and hot chocolate. It was so fun to get to go up there and be part of it. I have never seen more excited 1st graders all together...they were so cute!

I went early so I could eat lunch with all 3 kids while I was there. Being in the grades they are, their lunches just fall every 20 mins, so can just stay put, and have lunch with all of them within an hour.
This was when Baby C was in the hospital, and when I look at these photos, I see the stress in my face, and I felt it at the time, but it is all such a blur. I was trying to be everywhere at once. I never even thought about putting on my makeup so that I could look a little better. Geez.

She was all smiles all day long. She loves her teacher, loves her classmates, and has just adjusted so well to school. It is so fun to see her confidence grow and her excitement.