Settling in...

Hello everyone! I feel like I have missed out on everyone's life the last 2 weeks being without internet. It took us a bit to decide what internet service we would use here, and then the one we chose fell through...(we hate a*t*t !! ) and went with verizon and got us a little mini computer....it is so fun....except the backspace button on it is possessed...or maybe it is b/c I have to hit it too often, but it messes up all my messages, so now we have our little laptop hooked into our big computer. Anyway... I have been taking pictures of our life as I have been without internet, and am excited about blogging about everything. We are settling in....seems unpacking is just as hard and chaotic, or worse than packing...and the mess is starting to really get to me!! It is hard going from a 4 bdr to a 3 bdr with 5 kids, and everytime I unpack things, I end up rearranging things several times. I got rid of a ton of stuff when we moved, but it still wasn't enough, and I can't seem to find places for all our stuff!! Other than that, we are loving our new home. It is so spacious in the areas where we spend all our time, and that is what is important.

First things first....I wanted to share with you our home welcoming gift!!! This made me so excited, and feel so loved!!! My friend Lindsay at The CrossStitch House made us this ornament when she heard we were moving and it is so special! She did a great job on it, and I just love it!

It is so exciting to get Royal Mail all the way from England!

I have it hanging right beside our front door with our keys...and right beside the heart ornament that she included when she sent me my lucky duck. She is such a sweet friend!

What has been going on this week

Well, it is Friday, and we were suppose to close on our house today, but there was a delay. Grrr...we were very excited to have that over with! We are scheduled to move next week, and I hope they will get this done so we can. Things have been super busy, but going well.

We met with a new Sensory Therapist on Monday for Z. I loved her! She was awesome, and listened to me, encouraged me with what I was already doing, and gave me some good tips to help with our biggest issues right now. I was nervous going...starting a new therapist you never know how it will go. One of the things we talked about was Z's sleep issues. His lack of sleep is the core of most of his problems. It is very common for chidren with FASD to not be able to sleep. Every person awakens at night, and goes through their sleep cycles, but are able to go back to sleep, often times not even knowing they awakened. There is something with FASD brains that when they awaken, they are not able to go back to sleep. Some nights, Z may wake up, and stay awake for 2 + hours at a time. Do you know how that affects a small child the next day? Not well. He has temper tantrums over everything, lots of hitting, won't talk, into EVERYTHING with mega ADHD behaviors...it is rough. If he sleeps, he does so much better. Is happy, talkative, such a delight. There are medications that he can take to help him sleep, but there are other side affects to those that I don't want to take on, and also, he isn't even 2 yet, and that is too young in my opinion for sleep medication. I know we may get there someday, but I am not ready yet. Anyway, his therapist suggested melat*onin . I had tried it with him already, but was unsure of the doseage...and what I gave him didn't phase him at all. She recommened a much higher dose, b/c that is what it may take for his brain. It is all natural, so it won't hurt him. I am not going to jinx myself on this blog, but I will just say I have been very pleased with the results!

On another good note with the babies....I had them both on a waiting list for a theraputic daycare. They had said Z could start in August, but didn't know if there would be a spot for C, and I just found out this week that she has space for both, and they can start soon! I have mixed feelings about this. Everyone involved with Z's care agrees he needs to be in that structured environment everyday. I want to do what is best for him. C, is my baby...and it is very hard thinking about him going full-time...I kept my own babies home with me, and it is hard sending them both off to daycare everyday. Lots of guilt there. I just feel that I need to let C get his spot there too, b/c once Z reached a year old, we started noticing a lot of delays, and it took a long time to get his services started. I have to continually remind myself that their situation is different than my own babies, and I have to have a different approach with them. We are looking at children whose brains formed differently...and everything I do is going to have to be centered around getting them the very best b/c we have a future to look to for them that can turn out very differently than our own bio kids. I hope that if they are in this structure environment all the time, they will do much better when they become school age. I sure will miss them though.

I took the kids to check out their new school yesterday, and we all 4 walked away not very excited. I don't know what it was. Everyone was really nice, it seemed like a quiet, laid-back school...but I think we are all just a little sad about leaving our awesome school right now. It is such a good school. We are honestly thinking about going back to homeschooling. With the babies both gone everyday....I think it would go great for us. I would like to be able to have that extra time with my kids, and then they won't need so much of my attention in the evenings, when the babies get home. I have missed it greatly, and after leaving yesterday, all 3 agreed that they are ready to go back to homeschooling. I am going to really think and pray about it this summer, and see how I feel come August :)

our favorite toy

I found this toy at the Goodwill Store brand new, and thought this would be just the kind of sensory toy Zachariah would enjoy. Then I spent more than the toy cost for the batteries to run it.... Anyway, he does love this toy...and the big kids too. I have to admit I have spent some time playing with it too :) It is much fun. You turn it on and it shoots the balls up in the air, and then they go around, back down, and back in the air again.

Do you see my big boy??? He is 7 months old today...and more and more he is becoming one of the gang.

This makes me laugh...the way Christian is looking at Zach. (disregard the diaper that is very overdue a changing....we were waiting his turn in the bathtub)

He likes to put his face down and wait for a ball to pop up!

Leah's field trip

Yesterday Leah had a field trip at the Aerospace Center/IMAX theater by the airport. It has been forever since I have been, and we have never taken the kids. It was a fun time. The Movie, Animalopolis was really cute, and I enjoyed visiting with the kids in Leah's class. The girl that sat beside me at in the movie talked to me more than Leah did.

This was Leah's buddy for they day. She always talks like she doesn't have any friends, but this girl has been sweet to her...giving her a couple of bracelets, and I talked to her a lot yesterday. I always tell Leah to go to school and ask her things, and she just won't talk...that girl is so, her daddy. So, I asked her friend all the questions we had been wondering, and she was excited to talk to me about herself. Leah grinned the whole time, but never would talk to her. Crazy girl.

The tale of a falling girl

When we were looking at our current home to rent, we discussed that it might be dangerous to move to a home with stairs....not b/c of the kids, or soon to be walking baby, but b/c of me. I am very clumsy. I have had a few close calls, such as when I get to the top where 3 steps curve and there is no railing, and also when I used to carry baby T...who was very heavy, and required two arms to carry him, I almost fell once then. But, I have luckily escaped a fall everytime.

Our bedroom is downstairs, the babies are upstairs. I go up those stairs a few times each night. Each night cussing those stairs, and thinking it is a miracle that I make them up and down in my sleepy state, in the dark without falling. I am even extra careful, getting to the bottom and holding to the railing and feeling with my toe to make sure I am at the bottom. Not last night. Last night, I forgot. I thought I was at the bottom, no I wasn't, but got there very quickly...with a loud thump. Right down on my knee. You know, we have office carpet, and that can make the worst carpet burn.

I heard Clay say..."you o.k.?" but he never came to check on me. I dragged myself up to sit on the stairs...I could feel every limb in my body start to hurt....b/c not to say my weight, but that is a lot of pounds to come down on a knee and flail about. As I sat there, with my knee burning and throbbing, all sorts of angry thoughts went through my brain. I was angry that we have stairs, I was angry that I had the stupid idea to move our bedroom downstairs...(this was in a week when the babies were both sleeping through the night). Even though we are moving in a week and a half, it wasn't good enough at the time. I was a little offended that Clay didn't even try to get up to see if I was alive. I could hear Z humming upstairs...meaning it would be a long while before he went back to sleep. I was unhappy that when I went in there to see about him, baby C popped his head up and grinned at me...yes it was cute, but I figured he would be next. Then I was just angry at myself for not being more careful. I then kept thinking about the fact that b/c of Z's FAS, he doesn't sleep well, and probably never will. Then my thoughts went to his momma....thinking about how it was all her fault that he has FAS and can't sleep at night. All the while, I was fighting back tears b/c of the pain I was in, and the frustration of it all. I tell ya....I/it was a mess.

He didn't go back to sleep...I had to drag myself back upstairs again an hour later, another hour later I finally ran myself a hot bath b/c I was in too much pain to go to sleep. Then 2 hrs later, when Clay got up, I could hear that Zachariah was still awake. Which proceeded in meltdowns over cake he dug out of the trash, and a bouncing off the wall baby in his first Sensory therapy session. Which, that last part may have been a good thing....b/c she had first told me on the phone she may not could help me, but after seeing him today, she gave me some tips, and told me to come back in 3 weeks.

And my knee is still burning from that silly carpet burn!! The good news.....nothing is broken!!!

Spanish Night

Last night was Spanish Night at the kid's school. It was our last night thing of the school year. It was just a small thing, so Clay stayed home with the babies, making it a much more enjoyable time for me! :) The kids have loved having Spanish this year. Leah especially. She remembers everything so well...I have been impressed when she has come home telling me all the Spanish words for things.

I had them pose by the awning to remember their awesome school. Leaving the school and the babies' daycare is going to be the hardest thing about our move. It been so nice to know I was taking my kids to a place where they are loved everyday.

This is all the kids that came. They sang a cute Spanish song about Cinco de Mayo.

Then they had tables set up to do crafts, the kids were excited about that...

The Spanish teacher's son made this, and I took a picture hoping we could make one this summer...Noah really enjoyed this craft, they made a smaller version of this.

Will your excuses be o.k. with God?

I hesitate to ever talk about this, b/c I never want to sound like I judge people that don't make the same decisions as me, or that I think I am better than anyone. In fact, I am always humbled, and somewhat embarrassed when people praise us or say nice things about us fostering. I don't feel like what we do is such a huge thing, I don't deserve to be on a pedistal. I feel like the Lord has blessed me by bringing this into our lives. By showing us what helping others can do for us. My babies bring me more joy and happiness than I feel can compare to what I give to them. Many times I look at them and wonder how I can be so lucky to not only be blessed with my 3, but he has entrusted me to love and care for 2 more precious gifts. It is more than I ask for, more than I deserve.

And when talking about deserving, since becoming a foster parent, I often think why did I get to be so lucky? Why do I have so many blessings, got to have a good life growing up, while others live in poverty, abuse, pain, and suffering? Why was I lucky to be blessed with the parents and family I have, when our boys' mother was given a crummy deal. I feel like just that fact right there, I owe so much to God. The least I can do is to care for his children.

I believe totally that he wants me to care for his children. I have seen in every way how he has lead me to this path. I know he is leading others too, and that is beautiful to see. I wonder though, how many more people he speaks to, but their excuses get in the way. I can't even count the number of people that will sing our praises, and then say, "oh, I couldn't do that", or "I have thought about fostering, and I just couldn't let them go". I had one foster parent say the other day that when people say that to her, she wants to say, "So what kind of person do you think I am, that I CAN let them go? It is not easy at all for me, and my children cry everytime. But then they are the first ones ready to take in the next child." I just wonder, if the Lord came to you, in person, and said, "these children have been neglected, beaten, have never been safe or know what it feels to be safe, and I need YOU to give them a home. Teach them love and security, b/c you may be the only chance this child ever has." Would you tell God, "no, I can't do that b/c it will hurt too much when they leave". Would you be able to say that to his face? Is your pain really worth more than the life of a child? These broken children grow up to be broken adults, who have more broken children. We, as Christians are the only hope for these cycles to be broken.

I feel God's hand on my shoulders daily. When I feel that I just can't go on anymore, I say that in my prayers, and he hears me. He leads me out of the pit. He gives me the wisdom, paitience, and grace to do it everyday. I also feel that he led me to write this post today. I was waiting in line at Wendy's when these words came to me, and I felt like I had to come home and write this. I don't want to offend anyone. I want to encourage. I want you to see that you CAN love these hurt children. You can make a difference in their lives, and you CAN give them up, if you have to, and know that your love has made a difference in their life, in others' life, and you have done just what the Lord has called you to do.

I also would like you to read this letter written by a 15 yr old boy to his mother. His mother that has foster over 40 children, and has fostered for his entire life. To people that are afraid to foster b/c of how it may affect your own children, let this be encouragement to you. I pray that someday my son can be half the person that this boy has grown to be. I am also proud to say that she was our son Z's foster mother before he came to us....she is the reason I am his mother. http://www.themiddlemom.wordpress.com/