Struggling, even when I know HOW I should be

For the most part, I have tried to stay pretty upbeat on this blog. I could ramble on and on daily about my frustrations with the system, and all that, but it is pointless, and I enjoy sharing all the good moments of being a foster parent. I do really feel the need to talk about what I have been going through becoming a parent of a special needs child. When I had my own children, I had 9 months to bond with them. I got to hold them in my arms for the first time, they were mine, and there was nothing I wouldn't do for them. No matter what. I know even if they had an illness, or a disablity, I would be able to care for them, b/c I have that bond, and great love for them. When Zachariah came to live with us, I felt similar feelings, as I had prayed and prayed for him for years. He was responsive toward me from the beginning, making eye contact, bonding pretty quickly, as when he would cry, I could comfort him, and I could tell he saw me as his momma. We were able to bond easily, and my love for him just grew by leaps and bounds, just like as my own child. As I have heard things like ADHD, learning disabilities, behavior problems, I am not scared away at all, b/c in my heart he is my child, no matter what. I am sure our bonding was easier early on too, b/c his mother has never been involved in his life, I am the only mother he has ever known.

When you become a foster parent, you have to fill out your child preference, and that is the type of child you will get. I have mentioned before, that Zachariah wasn't anything like what we had "picked out", but God knew better, and I am so glad. Hunter and Amber really weren't either, as they exceeded our maximum number of kids, again, God knew better. We have since changed that form, saying we will take any race, and infant-2 yrs age group. But still, I did not check that I was willing to take children with disabilities. I believe I only checked learning disabilities. Only b/c I feel that is all that I can take care of, b/c of homeschooling, and the number of children we already have. When they called us about Talan, they told us that basically he had a head injury, but that the only concern they had for him was that he needed therapy. I am not a nurse, I didn't know what a head injury really meant. I did know that he had been in one home for just 2 days, and they had decided that they were too worried about all his health problems to care for him. I had fallen asleep praying about taking in a new child, before I got the call for him, so I felt like this was exactly what I was suppose to do. And again, I believe the Lord has known better than me.

Talan has challenged me in so many ways. As a mother, as a foster mom, as a Christian, and as a human being. I did not have the chance to bond with him. When he came to me, he screamed, and screamed, and cried and fussed. He was a mess. He wouldn't smile, wouldn't make eye contact for more than a second, and didn't even seem to care who had him, he wasn't happy. I did have hope though, b/c Zachariah had been pretty fussy, and he overcame that quickly. Talan went into the hospital, and I was so encouraged. All the nurses told me he would scream for them, but he was always calm and content for me. He would turn his head to the sound of my voice when I would come visit. When I brought him home from the hospital, I almost felt like I was bringing home my baby for the first time, I felt we were beginning to bond. He was smiling, and holding his gaze longer, and he was cooing. His disposition had improved greatly, he was a changed child.


That only lasted a couple of weeks. He has stopped smiling at me, his coos aren't really coos, they are more like AgH....all the time. I have never really had the natural bonding things with him, like I did with my other children, and now that he is so unresponsive to me, it has gotten even harder. I struggle with all that I have to pour into him to care for him, and not getting anything back from him. That has been very hard for me. I KNOW how I should be, but my emotions, and human nature takes over, and I have felt myself really withdrawing. The more withdrawn I become, the harder it is to "make"myself get up and do his care routines. It is about a 20 min process between doing CPT treatments, (I have to beat on his lungs to knock the junk loose), suction him, (HATE doing this) giving him medications, cleaning his feeding tube, lotioning him up...(he is VERY dry from his meds, I have to contantly put lotion on him), and then it is time to start feeding him. He is 20lbs of total limpness. He is big, and heavy, and it is awkward to hold him and carry him around. It is hard. It makes my back ache. Going up and down stairs with him is horrible, I almost fell this morning b/c I have to hold him with both arms, and it is hard to hold the railing too. I just sit in my recliner, dreading getting up to do what I have to do. Once I get done with what I "have" to do, then I have 4 other kids needing/wanting my attention. This totally wears me out. Clay has been working 2-11 shifts, so you can imagine what my evening holds. My day begins early, and ends late, and it is non-stop all day long. So when I get no response from Talan, it just wears on me even more. I hate it. I want to bond with him. I want to enjoy him. He deserves it. It is so much easier to care for a child, when you want to do it. It is much easier to care for a child when you get feedback from them, like smiles, eye contact. The doctor appointments every week are just draining. They mess up our whole routine, take time away from what I need to be doing at home. It is very hard to get even a return phone call from his caseworker, and there is so much to keep up with. He is a full-time job by himself.

He is suppose to qualify for a special board rate (this is the money he gets each month). I had to write a letter "justifying" why he needed to qualify. I had to harrass the caseworker just to get her to spend 5 mins filling out the request for the payment, and now I can't get anyone to tell me if it has come through, and if it will be on my check this month. It is not about the money at all, but it does make me angry that I can't get them to respect me enough to get me the money that he needs. Why does it have to be such a battle? Not only that, but I have been told by a supervisor in another office that my increase should be higher than what they have quoted me, I should have been getting this special rate from the beginning, as he has always been special needs, even before his 2nd hospitalization. It truly just makes me angry. It makes me angry that I am sure my payment increase will not be on this month's check. I have been told by that supervisor that there is only one other foster mom she knows that will take a baby with a feeding tube, that she was surprised to hear I had a special needs baby. The hospital told me that if I didn't take him, he would have to go into a nursing facility. You would think, if it was that hard for someone to care for him, they would help me out a little more, huh? It makes me want to tell her to just come get him, since they won't help me out....but I can't bring myself to use him as a pawn, a bargaining tool. He can't help not one bit of this. Not one bit. He is such a sweet baby, that has been dealt a horrible deal in life. I feel a lot of resentment towards his parents....what they did to him, and yet, I am the one suffering, caring for the child they messed up for life.

Please don't take this post the wrong way. I love Talan, and he is a sweet baby, and I want to take care of him. I do. I just also, though, wanted to be real about some of the emotions that come in to play. I am feeling emotions that I never knew I had, or that I could feel. I have been praying a lot. The Lord continuously reminds me how much prayer really works. The days I turn to him, things are much better, but that devil keeps trying to sneak back into my heart. I know I am stronger than this, and I am not going to let it get the best of me.

This is just a really hard time all around. So many things going on, so many changes. Clay was laid off from his job last week...so that security was taken away. We are o.k. right now, but it brings on new worries for me. He has begun trying to start up our photography business again, and with that I am remembering that feeling of waiting. Of unsecurity. Wondering when an inquiry will come in. Will they book us, when will they send the money. Can we spend any money, b/c who knows what he next month will bring. This is something I hated before. I feel like this is just adding that much more uncertainty to my life, someone else that won't call me back. Putting my life even more into someone else's hands....makes me feel even more out of control of my life. I spent a lot of time in prayer last night talking to God about it...knowing that he is really the only one in control of my life, and I am trying to let go and just let him lead it, and not worry about these things, b/c he will take care of me. It is just so hard....having 5 kids I am responsible for, I need to feel like I have control over something, and I feel like I don't have control over anything. Many days lately, I feel like I don't even have control of myself, my emotions. I have had many more outburst with our big kids...frustrated at them, but really just frustrated with other things, but reflected back onto them, their mess, not minding, uncooperating...I lose my cool with that very quickly these days.