I am starting to chicken out......

Tomorrow I am suppose to register the kids for school. As time gets closer and closer, Clay and I are both voicing our second thoughts. Our life is going to change drastically when school starts. Our neighbor told us it will take 40 mins to travel the 15 mins to get to school. I keep thinking back to the days when Noah and Leah were in preschool. How they would just fight when the got home from school. Noah stayed sick with his asthma half the year b/c every little cold he was exposed to made his breathing horrible. The things they would come home and say, their behaviors....became very different, and I didn't like it.

Today Noah played with the neighbor and again, I was reminded of the innocence that he has, and will probably lose once exposed to everything at school. His friend was quit different, and I know that is not all a reflection on school, it just reminded me of things I observed when he was in preschool. I am so fearful that he will lose that joy that he has in life, as he becomes aware of other kids that don't get excited about those things, and he learns what it means to be self conscious. I compare his interaction today, with the way my kids interact with Suzanne's kids. When mine play with hers, there is such an innocence. I have never seen them fight, or be selfish towards each other...you don't have to worry about teaching each other bad habits...(at least I HOPE my kids haven't been teaching Suzanne's kids anything bad!!)

I know I can't shelter my kids forever......but I just want to allow them to enjoy life a little longer. And, I have also realized throughout the summer, that my kids have learned much more than I thought I had taught them, and that, I am proud of. Clay just flat out told me tonight that he doesn't want them to go to school. I honestly feel that way too. Because I have allowed myself to find some peace, I have honestly been able to handle things around here better lately. I just am afraid it is giving me a false sense of confidence. What if I flip out again mid school year, and wish I hadn't inflicted this life on my kids??

I know our lifestyle is not like most people's. Friday, as people end the work week, we are gearing up for a major event. We usually take the kids to Monticello then so that we can have a quiet evening to prepare ourselves for the next day. We are at work on Saturday's, when most people are off. We work so hard that day, we are dead to the world on Sunday. The kids get to enjoy quailty time with their grandmothers on this weekend, and we get to miss them so that we are glad to all be back together Sunday afternoon. If our kids are in school all week....what are our weekends going to be like?? I know how Monday morning will be for me taking them to school. I will not like it one bit. We have our family time during the week....and despite the craziness I have felt, I know my family is stronger for the time we have spent together. I see how my children interact with each other, and with other people, and I see I have taught them valuable things. I just don't know if I am ready to turn them over to someone else to teach them. (and yes, I know Rachel still has a lot to learn in how to treat someone....any of you that have met her!!) I know my children have learned to treat each other kindly, and are very close, and I hate to leave Rachel behind from that. I feel that Leah and Noah always been grouped together is going to push her further away from them.

Please say a prayer for our family tonight.......that I will make the right decision.