My newest laundry idea

I cannot keep up with laundry. Drives me crazy. I try my hardest...but it is even worse in summer when they are going swimming....wet stuff all the time, of course that means a new change of clothes....and then again, and again. You get the picture. I finally decided I was through. I was done with the nagging...Where is the outfit you just had on...lalala. I told them they could do their own laundry. So, I assigned everyone in the house their own day, and their own laundry basket. Sunday is a no laundry day, Monday is babies' (that means I do theirs) Tuesday is mine, Wednesday is Rachel's, Thursday is Leah's, Friday is Noah's, and Saturday is Clay's. They have to wash it, dry it, fold it, hang it, and put it away. On that day. We have just about made it a whole week, and it has been a lot less stressing on my part. They seem to have about a load per person, so it isn't that big of a deal for each person to do. I have a basket just for the wet stuff, and usually end up doing those. I am still doing about 5 loads a week...plus theirs....but hey, that saves me at least 4 loads I would have been doing otherwise, and a lot of folding and putting away, which I despise doing. Everyone has been good about putting their clothes up...except me. Having stairs in this house really makes me lazy about that sort of thing.

So, how long until I can train Z and T to take their laundry up?

add-on to the post below

I do want to add a few things to my post below just to explain myself. I was mad and frustrated earlier, so I was letting my words fly. I still agree, we are not raising this baby together. I do think it is important to have a good relationship with the parents, and let them be involved with their lives...they are their children. I just don't want to have to be chummy with them 3 days after I get their child, or call them on the phone while they have a no contact order against their child, or sit with them at the hospital right after they have that order lifted....that was lifted just b/c he is so sick. I do care...it was my idea for them to be able to call the hospital to get updates themselves, I encouraged the case worker to write the letter to get the contact order lifted.....but I am already just about at my breaking point. Worrying about him, waiting for the judges decision on Zachariah...balancing my time between everyone....stressing that I am not there for Talan at the hospital like I would be if it were my own child. Worrying over his high needs he will have when he comes home from the hospital....when I was barely hanging on before b/c he really should be considered special needs. Hearing them talking about feeding tubes and colon bags...and recurrances of his highly contageous c-diff infection he has right now. STRESS...that is all I can say. I just can't add his parents stress on top of that.

new blog post www.blessingsforthegoodlife.com

Would you...?

So far, since Talan has been in the hospital, his parents have not been able to visit him. They have a no contact order against him b/c of the injuries he suffered. Yes, I wish he could have his mom with him, yes, I feel slightly sorry for her that she can't be with her baby that is so sick, and yes, I was hoping they could see him so that I could relieve some of my guilt of not being with him all the time. All that said, the case worker got the no contact order lifted, great. She just called, and was "trying to figure out when the parents could visit"....wanted to know my visiting schedule. At first, I thought great, she is trying to arrange it so that we are up there at different times...that is a good idea, especially since I have NO desire to become friends with them. Nope. She wanted to know my visiting schedule b/c she can only swing maybe an hour this week to let them visit, and someone has to supervise the visits. Nope...not happening.


Now that he is in ICU, I can't even go as often/stay as long, b/c I can't take the kids with me like I had been doing. I am not leaving my other 4 kids at home with my hubby before he has to work, not spending time with him, to babysit child abusers. Excuse me for saying that last part. I started out having sympathy,wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt, but the longer I am in this, and realize how bad he is...see the mom is still with the dad that supposedly did it (would you stay with a man that is the reason you don't have your baby!?), I have had the mom tell me that "there was nothing at all wrong with him before" and have the docs tell me otherwise according to his records....I have lost my sympathy. It ain't happening. I don't even want to visit with him if his parents are there. I did not want to go to the first doc appointment he had with the mom along, but I did that so I could know more about what was going on with him healthwise. Which I did not even find out until I took him back without mom along, b/c she just kept saying she didn't know why he was on any of the medicine he was on, didn't know any of his health problems. Urgh. Also, the case worker gave me mom's number so I could call her and update her on Talan. No...that is not my job. I am not a foster parent to be their friend, I do not feel like we are raising this baby together. I update the case worker with everything I do for him, any changes...other stuff, but I have 4 other kids to think about, I don't want to be friends with them. I do realize there are times when this may be o.k....but this isn't part of my job title, and not something I want forced on me by the caseworker to make her job easier.

Thank you for listening to me vent.

Aint it grand to be a kid?

blog posts

I have a few new blog posts up at www.blessingsforthegoodlife.com

Zachariah's celebration

Next Thursday is Zachariah's 1st birthday. All along the kids have been worried that his dad might get him after court, and we would miss getting to give him a birthday party, and after watching Hunter at his 1st, they were also really wanting to watch Zach eat his cake. Well, I just couldn't bring myself to call it his b-day party, b/c I was really hoping he would be here for that, so instead, we did it the day of court, and called it our Zachariah celebration party. It was perfect for me, b/c we have so much about him to celebrate. So, I was just too worn out to make the cupcakes, so we went to WM and the kids picked out Elmo cupcakes for him.

We gave him a couple of presents that Noah wrapped in Transformer Christmas paper
The kids had been swimming, and just came in long enough for presents and cupcakes

I told them to all give him a kiss...

I think his expression says what he thought about that!!

He knew exactly what to do with that cupcake, he immediately dove in.

At one point Clay asked me if I was going to let him eat the whole thing....but I knew if I tried to take it away, there would be a throw down. He was serious about his cupcake

And he did eat the whole thing!

It looks like he is trying to get them with his messy hands...I love this picture!!

Zachariah's story

**I am so excited to add this photo to the post. I finally figured out how to get it off my phone. this is the day we met Zachariah, the day before he was placed with us. This is about 5 mins after they first met their baby brother. I believe they were as happy as I was!**

I have been saving this post for when I could officially say Zachariah was "ours" legally, but a wise, dear friend's words this morning was a message telling me that I don't need to wait...I should share my heart, and God's works with you now.

Here is a link to one of my first posts after Zachariah came to live with us...I would love for you to go back and read it, especially if you weren't with us in the beginning. I am so glad I have documented this journey...it does me good to go back and read my words. His story is found here. Go read it first, then come back for the rest here.

I believe Zachariah's story goes even further back than that. Back to the time I made the decision to have my tubes tied. At that time, I was so overwhelmed in every way by having 3 babies in 2 years, we felt this was what we should do. Even further back in my life....I had a dream of someday either working in a children's home or adopting a child. Before I got pregnant with Noah, I found myself looking at DHS's site at their children for adoption. I can remember one night in particular not being able to sleep, and looking at those children...this was while we were trying to get pregnant, but I remember distinctly thinking I was o.k. with that fact that I may not be able to have children. I wanted to adopt then, and I also thought how neat it would be to photograph these kids! One dream from 9 years ago has already come true....and that dream, photographing for the Heart Gallery, has led me to Zachariah.

I guess it was about a year after having our 3rd, I really started regretting my tubal. I was finally starting to get control of my life, and realizing what a final decision it was I had made. I despise being pregnant.....hate everything about it except being able to feel my child moving....so I have never really had the desire to be pregnant again. I worked at the nursing home, and I became good friends with one of the residents that told me she got pregnant even after a tubal and her husband's V. I thought....Hmmm....I wonder if I could pray hard enough that I could have that miracle too. I know that sounds crazy, but my heart hurt...I felt incomplete....I longed for the other son that I thought I was suppose to have had...I felt, at that time, I had gone against God's plan for my life. Now, I feel like it was God's plan all along.

Fast forward to 2007....while living in Maumelle. I had begun feeling a stong desire to foster. A good friend was becoming one, another adopting, I seem to see stories about it on tv, billboards, magazine articles....everywhere I looked I felt like I was seeing signs, hints from God, that this was what I should do. Clay thought I was crazy. I think a lot of other people I would mention it to thought so as well. I mean, I had 3 kids already, and many days got overwhelmed caring for them....why would I even think about another? One weekend our kids were out of town, and I got an e-mail....one I wasn't expecting, but I feel confident the Lord was speaking to me that day through a friend. She told me that if this was really my hearts desire, to pray for Clay to see that desire too. And I did. I prayed....most of the weekend. I cried, I prayed, I read, and it was so nice to have that time without the kids to focus heavy on it.

Even though Clay wasn't on board yet, I began looking online, contacting people, asking question about foster care classes. I had heard about The CALL on the news, but couldn't remember what it was called. We had also visited a church where they announced one day about their foster care training. So I started questioning there. In fact, the person I got an e-mail from ended up being our first teacher in our training classes. I was directed to the CALL. They were needing volunteer social workers...so I contacted them but I couldn't do it b/c I didn't have my license. I had also told them I was a photographer, and she directed me to the person in charge of that. That began my journey photographing for the heart gallery. I would come home and be absolutely heart broken for these children. I continued to pray, and not long, Clay had agreed that we could take the classes just to become respite parents. (just fill in for foster parents to give them a break) As we took classes, and heart horror stories of what these kids have been through, the behaviors they have, and much more, I just knew he would be scared away. But, no, on they way home from one class, Clay said, I think we could take in just one child.

My work with the Heart Gallery allowed me to meet my awesome friend Christie. Do you see how the Lord was guiding this all the way? He is awesome...and I need to write this out, just as a reminder that this is not just our journey, but our journey led by the Lord. So, now I am caught up to date with Zach's story that I had you read.

I actually got to meet Zachariah the day before he came to us. We went to help Christie move the heart gallery, and she brought him. The moment she placed him in my arms, I felt the same as I have felt the moment the doctor placed my own children in my arms. I was instantly overwhelmed with love for him. (As much as I have loved our other 3 fosters, I have not felt this overwhelming connection with them) It was so hard to not be able to take him home with me that night. From the very first day he came to our home, I knew in my heart, this was the son I had prayed so hard to have....no doubt in my mind about that. We had previously discussed...IF we were to ever adopt, Clay felt very strongly about not changing our child's name. That is just something he feels very strongly about. After that converation, I actually prayed, ( I know that is kinda silly) "Lord, if you want me to adopt a child, please give him a biblical name". Yes, I know, that really does sound insane to pray for that, but I did. But, what did he give me? Zachariah means, "the Lord remembers". Yes, I get chills when I think about it. Also, the day I got him from the office, I asked the case worker what his middle name was, and she told me Ray. I thought that was neat b/c that is my dad's name....and my dad had written a reference letter for us, and he has been very supportive of us.....the only supportive grandpa in this journey, and I thought that was so special. Later, when talking to the dad, he told me that Zach did not have a middle name at all. But, when we adopt Zachariah, our entire family has agreed, Ray should be his middle name.

I am a big doubter and pecimist. I always have been. I have never been able to feel confident about anything, always second guessing everything. One thing I have never doubted was that I was suppose to be Zachariah's mother. I know that with every bit of my being. I have just always doubted, and been scared to hope that it could be forever. It is just too scary to go that far.

I have prayed so hard all along...and my prayers have changed over time. I have always trusted that the Lord would take care of him, but I just never knew what that meant. I do think the Lord has been leading me to know he is suppose to be ours all along, and even more lately, I just have trouble allowing that pain. But really, if I believe he is meant to be ours or not, it will be excrutiatingly painful to lose him. I love him with my whole heart. Nothing can protect me of the pain of losing him. This week though, I have allowed myself to grieve as if I have already lost him, so I have spent my time with him fighting back tears, being in so much pain and turmoil, that isn't what I should do. I can save that for when the time is here. For now, I am going to just allow myself to be confident in the Lord's plan, and even dream, as if he is already "legally" ours. There are a few other stories I could add in here...but I have already said so much, and now the kids are hungry for a snack.

clicky click

New post up with hospital/court updates www.blessingsforthegoodlife.blogspot.com

Quick update on court/Talan

A quick update on court....The judge heard the case, and said she wasn't making a decision today. We should know within about 3 weeks. She will send out a letter. I feel like everyone presented a good case against dad, and I was so proud of the case worker for coming through, testifying even better than I expected. It brought tears of relief to my eyes while she was testifying. Very nervous, and hate the waiting, but the dad hasn't complied with everything, so even if she doesn't terminate, we will still have him longer, b/c they weren't even able to complete his homestudy. (he refused to let them in the house). He made his own self look bad in court, and didn't put up much of a fight either like I expected.

Talan has had a good day today, shown a bit of improvement. Still a long road to go, still in ICU, but I was just glad for the first time, when I checked on him he had made progress instead of decline. Thank you so much everyone for your encouragement, prayers, love, and traveling this road with me. Your friendship has meant the world to me through this journey.

All about Zachy Pooh

Here are some of the latest pictures of Zachariah that I haven't gotten around to blogging. THis boy is growing and changing everyday!! Next Thursday is his 1 year old birthday!!

I love his hair. Love it. And he gets so many compliments on it all the time. When it is wet, it curls up in small curls, but by the time he sleeps on it, it loosens up some. I had never imagined just how much I would be in love with the things about him that are so different from us. I love his beautiful skin color, and his beautiful black curly hair.

He is just one of the gang. And the center of attention by this whole family most of the time.

I know I post a lot of pictures of him in the high chair, but he is just so darn cute smiing at me when he is there.

He loves the pool. The ither day after it was filled back up I got in there with him, and that boy was trying to swim! Kicking his legs and flapping his arms when I would hold him on his belly...it was very natural. His daddy has told me that his children have all been very athletic...so I am interested to see what he will be interested in as he gets older.

These were taken by my uncle at my grandmother's house not long ago. Zac is sitting in the high chair that we have all sat in as babies.

I love these pictures. I love the interaction between him and my grandmother. I love how my entire family (and Clay's) have embraced him as ours...and love him as much as we do.

Please hang in there baby

This is where I have been everyday for a week. Most days twice a day. I am so grateful that I only live 10 minutes so that I can go back and forth. I was thinking..what would I do if I lived in another town and he had to be here...that would be so hard, and I know so many people do it everyday. I have been so grateful from everyone's love and support that has been pouring into us. It has meant so much to me, and is carrying me through this time. This has been the hardest week of my life, hands down.

He is so sick. Today, his heart rate was so high, they would only let me touch his hand and talk to him, I couldn't even rub his head. It was so hard...I just wanted to scoop him up in my arms, and give him lots of kisses...to let him know I love him.
He has a tube breathing for him.

Look at what all he is hooked up on. He is so sick. He is stable, but they are having to constantly give him stuff, monitoring his vitals, adjusting everything, to keep him stable. He had emergency surgery yesterday and removed 1/2 liter of fluid from his belly. The still can't figure out what is wrong with him. I am very worried that his whole body is just shutting down.

The clear blow up bubble at his feet is to keep him warm. They can't keep his temp up where it needs to be. It is so hard not being able to be there with him all the time, especially now. I am waiting now for the doc to call with results from his ultrasound today. Please, Lord, heal this baby, please let the doctors figure out what is wrong with him.

Emotionally spent

Wow, what a Monday to start this week off. Talan's swelling was no better today, so we started the morning off with him having some tests, and had to go under anethesia to have an IV put in. I had to talk with his bio mother on the phone and explain to her everything that is going on, and man, that was hard. That whole interaction is just hard to describe, but I called the caseworker afterwards and had her get permission for the mom to just call the hospital for updates. I have enough going on without having to interract with her. Sorry...I just don't want to deal with that too this week. So, they did have some results back from that test this morning, and looks like he may have something wrong with his colon, and is going to have a renal biopsy in the morning. That will probably mean surgery to repair once they know for sure. I am trying to just take each step at a time b/c the more things they tell me, the more special needs he is sounding, and that is becoming scary....how am I going to take care of all of his issues with 4 other kids? I won't be able to take him to daycare anymore. But, I don't want to think about that now, and will cross those bridges when we get there, I just want them to get this all figured out and get him well!

I am sure you will all get tired of me talking about court on Thursday, but that is pretty much all I can think about this week. I don't know what went on today during the visit, but the case worker told me she was just ready for some closure on this case. I think dad is being difficult for her...not sure what all is going on though. I am so nervous. I keep praying, but I am also trying to remind myself that this case can go either way. What if I only have 3 days left with him? That keeps popping in my head. I had been trying to be confident and tell the kids to wait on his b-day party until next week, on the day of, but now, I am thinking..."but what if I don't get to have a party for him, what if he leaves?" So I think we are going to have a Zachariah celebration party for him Thursday morning with just us and cupcakes for him. My kids are feeling it too. They have mentioned several times different things about court on Thursday. My heart is breaking....just at the thoughs of "what if". I trust the Lord will take care of him, but I also know he knows better than me, and his plan may be different from the plan we want. I dropped Zach off at his visit today, and handing him to his dad was just too real for me. I cried most of the way to the hospital. And then I got to the hospital and heard that Talan was worse, and cried some more. I am torn between being there with him, and clinging as tightly to Zachariah as I can, to spending time with my husband the few hours he is home before he goes to work...I feel like I haven't seen him in a week b/c I have been spending so much time at the hospital...to wanting to protect my own children from the pain that could be coming, but loving them so much b/c I know more than ever not to take my own children for granted...having 2 I love so much being at risk makes me remember how precious their lives are.

Clay called me a bit ago and said he got off work for Thursday so he can go to court with me. I am so glad he did that...I almost cried when he told me that. I have always handled most of anything involving our foster kids, but I just really need his support Thursday, and I know he wants to be there b/c he loves Zach so much too. He has been such a good dad to him. I kept telling him he didn't have to come b/c I knew he had to work, but the fact he got off work on his own to come with me means the world to me.

My silly boys

Zachariah loves to stand at the back door (I lock it) and watch the big kids playing outside while I am cleaning the kitchen. He just stands there beating on the glass and squealing. This day, while Noah was waiting on me to come over there and unlock it, they started playing with each other, so I ran and got my camera. So sweet!! I love it...It was all just cute, uncoaxed fun between them!

I love them kissing...

I'm a little stinker!

So my mom was feeding me baby food, and I wouldn't eat it. You see, I am becoming a big boy these days, and getting a mind of my own, and I have decided that I want to eat real people food...not this old mushy nasty stuff. So, my mom sat it on the table, gave me some finger food that was good to eat, and went about her business so I could feed myself. Well, she is very forgetful most days, and also easily distracted, and went in the other room. I knew that was my chance. So, I reached over, and grabbed her new clean pretty table cloth, and pulled on it. That was just enough to reach that bowl of baby food, and I started grabbing handfuls and eating it, and playing with it, rubbing it all in....oh what fun I had! Then, my big sister Leah had to come in and ruin all my fun by saying, "Who gave pooh pooh that bowl of baby food?"

Happy Father's day!

Thursday night, I was so exhausted, but the kids got the idea that they wanted to give their daddy a surprise Father's Day party for when he got home from work. I was too tired to protest, but told them they had to do everything. So, they did, and I had not part in the planning. They wrapped all his presents they got him at Dollar Tree, made him cards and pictures, made chocolate pudding, set the table with tea (in the wine glasses) and Noah cut up apple, cheese, and had animal crackers on the plate. They went all out! Noah even put 7 candles in his pudding, one for every year that he has been a dad. They were so excited to do it for him, and I could tell that it meant a whole lot to their daddy!

Noah did have me print the photos, but he made the cards, did one from the girls, and one from the boys, and signed them with everyone's nickname. I love Leah's little girl she drew.