Emotionally spent

Wow, what a Monday to start this week off. Talan's swelling was no better today, so we started the morning off with him having some tests, and had to go under anethesia to have an IV put in. I had to talk with his bio mother on the phone and explain to her everything that is going on, and man, that was hard. That whole interaction is just hard to describe, but I called the caseworker afterwards and had her get permission for the mom to just call the hospital for updates. I have enough going on without having to interract with her. Sorry...I just don't want to deal with that too this week. So, they did have some results back from that test this morning, and looks like he may have something wrong with his colon, and is going to have a renal biopsy in the morning. That will probably mean surgery to repair once they know for sure. I am trying to just take each step at a time b/c the more things they tell me, the more special needs he is sounding, and that is becoming scary....how am I going to take care of all of his issues with 4 other kids? I won't be able to take him to daycare anymore. But, I don't want to think about that now, and will cross those bridges when we get there, I just want them to get this all figured out and get him well!

I am sure you will all get tired of me talking about court on Thursday, but that is pretty much all I can think about this week. I don't know what went on today during the visit, but the case worker told me she was just ready for some closure on this case. I think dad is being difficult for her...not sure what all is going on though. I am so nervous. I keep praying, but I am also trying to remind myself that this case can go either way. What if I only have 3 days left with him? That keeps popping in my head. I had been trying to be confident and tell the kids to wait on his b-day party until next week, on the day of, but now, I am thinking..."but what if I don't get to have a party for him, what if he leaves?" So I think we are going to have a Zachariah celebration party for him Thursday morning with just us and cupcakes for him. My kids are feeling it too. They have mentioned several times different things about court on Thursday. My heart is breaking....just at the thoughs of "what if". I trust the Lord will take care of him, but I also know he knows better than me, and his plan may be different from the plan we want. I dropped Zach off at his visit today, and handing him to his dad was just too real for me. I cried most of the way to the hospital. And then I got to the hospital and heard that Talan was worse, and cried some more. I am torn between being there with him, and clinging as tightly to Zachariah as I can, to spending time with my husband the few hours he is home before he goes to work...I feel like I haven't seen him in a week b/c I have been spending so much time at the hospital...to wanting to protect my own children from the pain that could be coming, but loving them so much b/c I know more than ever not to take my own children for granted...having 2 I love so much being at risk makes me remember how precious their lives are.

Clay called me a bit ago and said he got off work for Thursday so he can go to court with me. I am so glad he did that...I almost cried when he told me that. I have always handled most of anything involving our foster kids, but I just really need his support Thursday, and I know he wants to be there b/c he loves Zach so much too. He has been such a good dad to him. I kept telling him he didn't have to come b/c I knew he had to work, but the fact he got off work on his own to come with me means the world to me.