Zachariah's story

**I am so excited to add this photo to the post. I finally figured out how to get it off my phone. this is the day we met Zachariah, the day before he was placed with us. This is about 5 mins after they first met their baby brother. I believe they were as happy as I was!**

I have been saving this post for when I could officially say Zachariah was "ours" legally, but a wise, dear friend's words this morning was a message telling me that I don't need to wait...I should share my heart, and God's works with you now.

Here is a link to one of my first posts after Zachariah came to live with us...I would love for you to go back and read it, especially if you weren't with us in the beginning. I am so glad I have documented this journey...it does me good to go back and read my words. His story is found here. Go read it first, then come back for the rest here.

I believe Zachariah's story goes even further back than that. Back to the time I made the decision to have my tubes tied. At that time, I was so overwhelmed in every way by having 3 babies in 2 years, we felt this was what we should do. Even further back in my life....I had a dream of someday either working in a children's home or adopting a child. Before I got pregnant with Noah, I found myself looking at DHS's site at their children for adoption. I can remember one night in particular not being able to sleep, and looking at those children...this was while we were trying to get pregnant, but I remember distinctly thinking I was o.k. with that fact that I may not be able to have children. I wanted to adopt then, and I also thought how neat it would be to photograph these kids! One dream from 9 years ago has already come true....and that dream, photographing for the Heart Gallery, has led me to Zachariah.

I guess it was about a year after having our 3rd, I really started regretting my tubal. I was finally starting to get control of my life, and realizing what a final decision it was I had made. I despise being pregnant.....hate everything about it except being able to feel my child moving....so I have never really had the desire to be pregnant again. I worked at the nursing home, and I became good friends with one of the residents that told me she got pregnant even after a tubal and her husband's V. I thought....Hmmm....I wonder if I could pray hard enough that I could have that miracle too. I know that sounds crazy, but my heart hurt...I felt incomplete....I longed for the other son that I thought I was suppose to have had...I felt, at that time, I had gone against God's plan for my life. Now, I feel like it was God's plan all along.

Fast forward to 2007....while living in Maumelle. I had begun feeling a stong desire to foster. A good friend was becoming one, another adopting, I seem to see stories about it on tv, billboards, magazine articles....everywhere I looked I felt like I was seeing signs, hints from God, that this was what I should do. Clay thought I was crazy. I think a lot of other people I would mention it to thought so as well. I mean, I had 3 kids already, and many days got overwhelmed caring for them....why would I even think about another? One weekend our kids were out of town, and I got an e-mail....one I wasn't expecting, but I feel confident the Lord was speaking to me that day through a friend. She told me that if this was really my hearts desire, to pray for Clay to see that desire too. And I did. I prayed....most of the weekend. I cried, I prayed, I read, and it was so nice to have that time without the kids to focus heavy on it.

Even though Clay wasn't on board yet, I began looking online, contacting people, asking question about foster care classes. I had heard about The CALL on the news, but couldn't remember what it was called. We had also visited a church where they announced one day about their foster care training. So I started questioning there. In fact, the person I got an e-mail from ended up being our first teacher in our training classes. I was directed to the CALL. They were needing volunteer social workers...so I contacted them but I couldn't do it b/c I didn't have my license. I had also told them I was a photographer, and she directed me to the person in charge of that. That began my journey photographing for the heart gallery. I would come home and be absolutely heart broken for these children. I continued to pray, and not long, Clay had agreed that we could take the classes just to become respite parents. (just fill in for foster parents to give them a break) As we took classes, and heart horror stories of what these kids have been through, the behaviors they have, and much more, I just knew he would be scared away. But, no, on they way home from one class, Clay said, I think we could take in just one child.

My work with the Heart Gallery allowed me to meet my awesome friend Christie. Do you see how the Lord was guiding this all the way? He is awesome...and I need to write this out, just as a reminder that this is not just our journey, but our journey led by the Lord. So, now I am caught up to date with Zach's story that I had you read.

I actually got to meet Zachariah the day before he came to us. We went to help Christie move the heart gallery, and she brought him. The moment she placed him in my arms, I felt the same as I have felt the moment the doctor placed my own children in my arms. I was instantly overwhelmed with love for him. (As much as I have loved our other 3 fosters, I have not felt this overwhelming connection with them) It was so hard to not be able to take him home with me that night. From the very first day he came to our home, I knew in my heart, this was the son I had prayed so hard to have....no doubt in my mind about that. We had previously discussed...IF we were to ever adopt, Clay felt very strongly about not changing our child's name. That is just something he feels very strongly about. After that converation, I actually prayed, ( I know that is kinda silly) "Lord, if you want me to adopt a child, please give him a biblical name". Yes, I know, that really does sound insane to pray for that, but I did. But, what did he give me? Zachariah means, "the Lord remembers". Yes, I get chills when I think about it. Also, the day I got him from the office, I asked the case worker what his middle name was, and she told me Ray. I thought that was neat b/c that is my dad's name....and my dad had written a reference letter for us, and he has been very supportive of us.....the only supportive grandpa in this journey, and I thought that was so special. Later, when talking to the dad, he told me that Zach did not have a middle name at all. But, when we adopt Zachariah, our entire family has agreed, Ray should be his middle name.

I am a big doubter and pecimist. I always have been. I have never been able to feel confident about anything, always second guessing everything. One thing I have never doubted was that I was suppose to be Zachariah's mother. I know that with every bit of my being. I have just always doubted, and been scared to hope that it could be forever. It is just too scary to go that far.

I have prayed so hard all along...and my prayers have changed over time. I have always trusted that the Lord would take care of him, but I just never knew what that meant. I do think the Lord has been leading me to know he is suppose to be ours all along, and even more lately, I just have trouble allowing that pain. But really, if I believe he is meant to be ours or not, it will be excrutiatingly painful to lose him. I love him with my whole heart. Nothing can protect me of the pain of losing him. This week though, I have allowed myself to grieve as if I have already lost him, so I have spent my time with him fighting back tears, being in so much pain and turmoil, that isn't what I should do. I can save that for when the time is here. For now, I am going to just allow myself to be confident in the Lord's plan, and even dream, as if he is already "legally" ours. There are a few other stories I could add in here...but I have already said so much, and now the kids are hungry for a snack.