How can the anticipation of relief, be so painful

Friday, was the end of a very long and tough week. Talan was sick, or sicker than normal, and I was taking him to the doctor yet again. I hadn't had any sleep b/c he was up all night. You have just not been in a doc waiting room until you have been in the waiting room at Children's GPC clinic. Oh my. Crammed full of coughing, snotty, wild, crying kids. After being in the waiting room for 2 hrs, it had just deteriorated my mood that much more. Then, I saw the doctor, and she told that his fever wasn't high enough, (even though it was the temp every doc has told me to bring him in if he has b/c he has sickle cell), and that his lungs sound fine, so his cough he has had for 2 weeks....well just take him home and see if he gets worse. I-just-about-lost-it. I think she could tell, b/c I went on a rant, going back over all his symptoms again, empahsizing that he just isn't right. So, she finally goes and gets another doc that has seen him before to come look. He walks in, listens for 2 secs, and says, yes, he is definately wheezing. Then tells me I am the mom, and I should be able to tell....I said, "I DID! I came to the doc 2 weeks ago and told them he was wheezing, and they told me he wasn't". Geez.

I am sure that he could see my mood all over my face. He told me, "I meant what I said, the last time I saw you". Which was, that he things people that are willing to take care of special needs children are true angels in his book. That is really sweet, but the way I have been lately, I don't feel like I deserve that title at all. Anyway, I went on to tell him, Thank you, but that it has been really really hard lately. I just about started crying. So he told me he was going to get the social worker to call me and see if she could get me some help. Did she ever, she is my hero!! I had e-mailed my case worker on Thursday about needing respite, by Monday, I still hadn't heard from her. Funny, how the social worker called her, and my phone was ringing within 5 mins from my case worker, and now they are going to get right on getting me some help.

I talked a long time with the social worker about Talan's condition, future, and our family, and how him being here has affected me. I talked with my case worker as well. Both were very helpful and understanding. They called Talan's case worker and talked with her, and tomorrow, there is a meeting scheduled to discuss Talan's long-term health and care plan, and probably a move to a new home. Maybe even a nursing facility. I feel a small sense of relief, but a lot of guilt, and much sadness. I have been teary everytime I think about it today. I told Clay that I feel like a kid that got in trouble and is being called to the principal's office. Just b/c I made the decision that I can't keep him, doesn't make this any easier. Harder I think. I do feel a little peace though b/c it seems that the docs clinic is all in agreement, and going to bat for me saying that his care needs are very extensive, and it is too much for me. They agreed that he is indeed a full time job all on his own. They explained to T's caseworker that his condition will probably not improve. I have been trying to tell her that all along, and she brushes it off everytime, and acts like what is wrong with him is no big deal.

I saw photos of his brain MRI yesterday. Oh my. There are times when I am interacting with him that I think to myself, "is anybody home"? He seems so distant...his eyes have no expression to them. Now that I have seen his brain, I understand. His damage is very bad. I want to take his parents out, shake the crap out of them, and then they need to be shot. I think they should have to spend years in jail for what they did. They didn't kill him, but they did kill a big part of him. I hope they realize just the extent of what they did, and will live with that for the rest of their life, and wonder what their little boy would have been.

I do believe in miracles. I have seen cases where people have totally beat the odds with brain injuries....but I also see where he is at now, and that he is making very minimal progress, if any at all.

Please pray for me, and the doctors, and the decision that is made tomorrow, that it will be what is best for Talan, and for our family.

** BYW, I finally heard back about our board payment, and it was approved of course, it didn't start until almost 2 months after I first submitted my letter. I wonder how much more the state will be paying that nursing facility to care for him verses my piddly raise I had to beg for.