Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I want to blog

I want to blog. I have started several blog posts in my mind, but I have so much to say, it is too tiring to think about blogging. Make sense? I haven't really taken any pictures the last couple of weeks either. Shocker!?! Very rare for me. Last week, I really didn't do much of anything productive. I think I just crashed. Have you ever had an emotional/physical crash all at once? That is how I felt after the kids left. I felt like the biggest, heaviest weight was actually lifted off my shoulders. A strong sense of relief, but also mixed with a lot of emotions of guilt, sadness, defeat, numbness, elation, peace, fear, and joy (with the 4 children here) all rolled into one. How weird all those emotions feel at once.
I did a lot of laying around on the couch and sleeping late last week. At first, I blamed a lot of that on PMS. Then I started thinking about it, and realized it was probably just a reaction to pure exhaustion. The week before, I made the decision to ask our case worker to find a new home for 2 of our children. A decision that I swore going into this I would never do. Something that goes against everything in me...yet I did it. I gave up on them.....or I gave up on myself. I don't really believe that, I know I did the best I could, but at times, I do feel that way. If I could have just been stronger, not as selfish, kept my emotions together better....I could have handled it all. I could have been all that the 7 people in our house needed me to be. I am really good at beating up on myself. It makes me feel so defeated. In a way I feel that I did let the devil defeat me....but there really was so much more that went into that decision. There may be a day that we can have 6 children and handle them just fine. It was my naiveness....thinking well, we have room in our home, sure we can take them. There really were a lot of signs though that should have made me say no to that call to take them, but they told me they were in the office waiting for someone to take them, and then the excitement took over, and we said yes. And we did it for 4 months. Those 4 months though were turning into much longer, I could see. I just knew, it wasn't fair to anyone in our home to keep going on half crazy/ just getting through the day for that long of time. Every week I thought, "this is a new week, things will go smoother, I will get my act together better, I will get a schedule". The truth is, with appointments every week, trying to homeschool whenever I had a chance, and someone in this house being sick constantly, there was no possible way to make a schedule. No possible way to ever catch up and get ahead on anything. I sure do love them though. I didn't cry last week b/c I was just glad for the extra load off my shoulders. This week though, I have cried, several times. I do miss them alot.
All that going along while my hubby has been looking for a job. That is such a responsibility for a man, and he was worrying so much over helping me out so much, plus the worry of a job, was so much stress on him. I can now look at pics of him, and see the stress on his face. Bless his heart, he stuck it out for me. I love him so much for that.
Another thing that made me crash last week was the fact that Clay has found a job. I knew that starting this week a lot of things would change, and that made me tired thinking about it. He will still be doing weddings, but he now has a full time job at Baptist Hospital as a Cardiovasular Technician. He is so excited about this, and I am so happy for him that he has found something he is so excited about it. It also makes me really sad. I know I have complained about life 24/7 with my hubby. It was an adjustment. He is my best friend though, and ever since we moved from Warren, away from family and friends, he has been my #1 person....my company all through the day, and I tell ya, this week has been an adjustment with him gone. I really miss him. He has been home with me full time for 2 1/2 years I believe. He became so much help for me during that time. He is the reason I have been able to do all that I do. He helps me SO much. He cooked almost all of our meals and cleaned the kitchen. Stepped in when the kids wouldn't mind me and put his foot down. Helped pick up the den, stayed home with the kids so I could run errands, did most of the grocery shopping....and a much better cook than me. I have really gotten spoiled lately! So....when I am not blogging, it is more than likely b/c I am adjusting to all the changes in our life right now. I am grieving for our 2 children that are gone, and I am grieving for my best friend that is no longer here keeping me company during the day. I am trying to find balance through my day. Homeschool, doc appts, daddy visits, sick baby, clean house, cook all the meals again, a baby that is ready to be held everytime I want to eat, wash dishes, teach school....(funny how it seems he has just started being this clingy now that I have more I need to do...when I know it is just now I am more consious of it since I am busier).

5 comments:

  1. wow girl...so much! that is great about clay, sounds very interesting but i can certainly see the adjustment that you and those kiddos will have. kudos to you and your family for doing it with the other two as long as you did. the time they were with you will be special to them and they learned so much. they will be fine. you need/deserve the break! you are still my hero chicka!

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  2. This a lot for anyone to withstand.
    Sending hugs and prayers your way!

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  3. You are so tough, Maury. I have no doubt that you will conquer all of the tasks before you!

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  4. You are doing an amazing job with the kids! Don't be so hard on yourself about everything, you are human and need a break sometimes too. Congrats to Clay on the job, hope he's enjoying it. I'm so glad that you are already missing him at home, it's a testimony to your good relationship!

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  5. Maury, sometimes it takes more strength and courage to let something go. I know, someday, you will see that A and H are just as happy in their new home. It wouldn't have been fair to any of the 6, or you or Clay to let yourself get completely run down from all you were doing. I feel quite sure that their new parents will want a night out at some point so maybe they'll let you guys babysit! Take a deep breath, and take a bubble bath! You deserve it!

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