my loneliness, boredom ramblings

Well, I haven't really done half of what I had planned on doing this week with my kids gone. There are many things easier about having 3 human tornadoes gone for a week....but, I still have 2 round the clock high maintenance people left behind. I am remembering why I had a slightly crazier mental state when our kids were small than I do now. I don't like being alone. Two little ones that can't talk aren't much company for me I am remembering. Although they keep me busy all day long, not having anyone to talk to makes me feel like I really may lose my mind. The quiet makes my ears hurt. I was talking to my sister last night, and telling her how this really hasn't been a break...it really hasn't been much fun. 3 kids may be gone, but I feel like if I have to change one more diaper, or do one more tube feed, I feel like I am just going to go crazy. I haven't had much sleep this week. I had big plans for cleaning, catching up with blogs, watching movies, and preparing schoolwork. I have watched movies, but done very little of anything else. I just can't get motivated. I know what also adds to that, is my growing frustration with everything revolving around DHS, Children's hospital, medicaid...not one thing is simple, and it all drives me crazy. Anyway, my sister told me something that I think is so true. When the big kids are here, I am not "thinking" about changing a diaper, or feeding someone, I am just doing it...b/c I am so distracted by everything else going one. That is so true.

Also, on my reflections this week, I have decided I am going to probably have a tough time when my kids all grow up. Maybe not. Having so many teenagers back to back may just do me in enough to survive that transition in life. I am also thinking about my time working at the nursing home. Many times, when married couples was there, if one passed away, it would only be a few months later that the other one would pass. I am pretty sure I will do that too. See, I used to think I liked to be by myself. I am an easily irritable person. Growing up I had to have a lot of different friends b/c I couldn't be around the same one too long or they would drive me crazy. I didn't survive band camp very well having the same roommate all week long. I am sure a lot of that has to do with me being an only child for 11 years. I have learned though, since getting married and having kids....my family gets on my nerves very frequently.....but I can't stand for them to be away from me for very long at all. I can't even stand to be away from Clay for a night. I am always so ready for him to get home from work each night. If you may remember, though, there was a time on here I was complaining about my husband that works from home being around...way too much. Yes, I am pretty much just crazy I believe. I have missed my kids terribly this week though. I seriously considered just packing up today and driving to Monticello...I am jealous that they are having so much fun at VBS with all their friends and family, while I am stuck here along wiping poop...(or in the case last night, giving a glicerin supposatory.....to produce poop....yep, that was fun)