I wonder....

I wonder if I showed these picture to the boy's aunt if it would make a difference. I wonder if I let her meet Zachariah, if she would put emotion to trying to seperate these boys. I wonder if it would just make her want to take both of them? I wonder if I showed her pics of my own kids loving on these boys if she would care. If it would make a difference. I wonder if she would care if I poured my heart out to her, for her to know the gut wrenching love I have for the boys. Would any of that matter? I contemplate this a lot.

She has never met Zachariah, b/c DHS gave me that choice. I really appreciate that they respect me enough to give me that choice. I have shown her a photo of Zach on my cell phone, and told her briefly about him, and our journey with him. I feel the great need to protect him. I don't want them to meet him b/c either they would love him and want to take him too, or they would not love him, and that would hurt too. Our caseworker told me that the aunt is not persuing Zachariah b/c she prayed about it, and that she tried to imagine how she would feel if she'd had a child for 18 months and someone tried to take him away. This makes her seem human to me. This makes her sound reachable....like maybe our emotions could mean something to her. Then I hear that they are going to hire a lawyer to fight for Christian. They really want him bad. Maybe it is meant for them to get him....she told me that she felt it was a "God thing" that they had heard about him.

This is what I said to Clay the other night. "It makes me angry that they act like they love him when they have spent 5 hours total with him, and love him b/c he is "cute". At home he has thrush, crying screaming episodes, screams the whole time we are in the car, uncooperative anytime I try to run errands, has the worst poopy diapers that I have ever changed, I have to suck his nose out and give him his enhaler, and thrush medicine every 4 hours,everyday (let me tell you, that is pure torture for both of us), he is fussy, demanding, and wants to be held all the time....the hardest baby I have ever had. Yet I love him totally, unconditionally....now that is true love". That is a mother's love. I know that is silly of me. I am sure they would love him too, despite all that. I tried to tell them about the challenges he is going to face, that he will most likely have FASD like Zachariah, and then I mentioned that he never seemed to have acutual withdrawals as a newborn, (but he is making up for that now) and uncle just said, "oh, well maybe he will just bypass all that". Really? Um....no. They have No Idea what the last 20 years of their life, (if they are lucky to live that long) will be like for them raising this boy. I wonder if I gave them this book I am reading about FASD, if they would read it. They need to read it. They need to know just what they are fighting for.

I know what I am fighting for, and if I wrote it all out, I would sound very crazy to want to intentially take that on for a lifetime...especially x's 2. Oh my it is scary....but I feel this is what God has give me to do, and I am ready to fight this FASD battle, and give them the best life they can have.