As I was taking the babies to daycare today, I was deeply thinking of my new found fears. And then I came home, sat down to write, and first read this post on fear, and maybe it isn't a coincidence that I came across that post this morning.
Our journey as foster parents has brought about a lot of fears for me. I am fearful that I am "doing enough" for our babies, that I made the right decision for our others to leave, I am fearful that I will lose our babies, I am fearful that I am giving our bio children equal time. I could go on and on about my daily fears I have. Today, though, and a lot lately, I have been focusing on my fear of FASD. I go between wanting to know everything I can know....and then being afraid of the unknown, and then not wanting to know what "could come", and just take one day at a time.
I am fearful that our youngest baby will also have FASD, and then also fearful b/c his signs aren't as obvious, that he won't be diagnosed with it. I am fearful that if he goes to live with his aunt, that they won't take it seriously, (b/c they seemed skeptical when we tried to educate them), and he will have struggles that nobody will understand, or get him help for.
I am fearful that I will be a mother of 2 boys with FASD, and it will kick my butt. Oh I get overwhelmed with fear of this one. I will have to be on my p's and q's at all times, and am I capable of that? Children with FASD must have structure and routine at all times.....and I am so not a structured or a routine person.
I am fearful that others will not understand. That even myself will not understand enough. I am fearful that my quest to help them, may neglect my own children....and I am just as fearful that "other's" will try to blame me of doing just that thing.
I am so thankful though. I am thankful for an early diagnosis. I am thankful for awareness. I am thankful that God chose me to be their mother, and has given me these early resources. I am thankful that I have a supportive husband and family, that encourage me to love these babies. I am so thankful that I have unconditional "mother's" love for these babies that will make it easier to fight this fight. I am thankful that I have experience as a mother, and wisdome to know that "this too, shall pass" and to take each day at a time. I am thankful for the patience God has given me with our 1 yr old. Patience that I didn't have when my 3 were younger, but that I definately need for this journey. I am thankful that I have a heavenly Father that will carry this burden for me. Just last week, my prayer to him was that if he blesses me to be their forever mother, then he will also have to carry me through this journey, daily, and that I will only be able to do this with his help. I am thankful for all my friends that are such encouragers to me.
Praying for you. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6
ReplyDeleteStop by my homeschool blog if you get a chance I have a giveaway going on for a children's book.
fear is not all bad... sometimes it drives us into His arms, into learning all we can, into fighting with all our being for our little ones. or even for our own lives.
ReplyDeleteit can also be exhausting, though, huh? i've made a choice not to live in fear. my dad sent me a text this morning.. so fitting: The same power that raised Christ from dead is available to help us with our daily struggles.
now i'm off to read melissa's post...
oh, and i LOVE what megan said about her daughter is not epilepsy, she HAS it, but it doesn't have her. what a great statement.
If I've learned anything about fears, and you know I have too many to count, it's that if you can face these fears (even with a shaky spirit) you will come out stronger. Most of the time, the things we fear the most are really not that scary at all once you look back on them. When you despair, think of all the joy there is to experience in the midst and in the aftermath of these scary moments. You are one of the strongest people I know, and I know that you have it in you to face and conquer all of these fears. God is definitely with you, so just find strength in Him. You are an amazing mother, even when you doubt yourself. Just look at your children...they are living proof at how wonderfully you have raised them. I love you!
ReplyDeleteWhat amazing comments... what a blessing to be SURROUNDED by people that are in your similar shoes.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to offer a listening ear and many many prayers. If God's will is for these boys to stay with you, then he will certainly not leave you when craziness begins. Look how far he's brought you already! Getting over the FEAR to just BEGIN foster care is a huge hurdle that you've already leaped. You're doing great, and you will continue to do great.
oh girl i get this! you know i do. god is the only thing that keeps me from getting overwhelmed with all the fear in this world. just face one day at a time.
ReplyDelete