Is your Quiver full?

When I thought of this phrase for the title of my post, I thought, what is a quiver? Well it has more than one meaning, but one meaning is a case full of arrows. Well, I don't have a case, and I don't have arrows, but I do have a home, and children. Is my quiver full? I wonder that often. I was talking with a friend today about how she feels God has given her the desire to have a big family, and she thinks he has brought all this about b/c that is his plan for her. First, I have to say that it was exciting for me to hear another foster mom say that to me b/c I feel that way all the time, but that just isn't something I really voice. I mean, I currently have 5 kids, am desperately hoping to keep 2, why would I want to have more? But I do. I think about it often. I don't think my quiver is full....as in my house. It is not full. My hands may be currently full, but my heart isn't as full as it could be.

That is interesting that I can look at it that way. Just this weekend, I was at a birthday party, and I mentioned that I had 5 kids. Of course, all eyes got big. And one said to the other, "I just don't know how she has the energy to care for 5 kids". I wonder that sometimes too....b/c I am not, and never have been an energetic person. Then one said to me, "I just couldn't have more kids, (she only has 2) how do you ever have room for 5 kids? I have been thinking about that a lot. When we began having our own children, we lived in a 2 bedroom house. Once we'd had 1 kid, I thought we were full. I then really stressed that we had a boy and a girl, and they had to share a room. Then we had our 3rd, and I started trying to create bedrooms out of a room no bigger than a closet, I moved a bed to the breakfast nook in the kitchen once, we even lived with our bed in our living room, (it was a HUGE room) b/c I thought these little bitty babies needed more room. I worried they would wake each other up....which they rarely did. I did have all 3 in a room for awhile, and they did just fine. Then we moved to an apartment. I hated those tiny bedrooms, and actually longed for our other house with the huge bedrooms. Then we moved to a 4 bedroom house. I finally had space for everyone to have their own bedroom. And yet, my home felt empty. I suddenly felt selfish for having all that room...for thinking I NEEDED all that room for my kids. Sure, they liked having their own space sometimes, I loved decorating 3 kid's rooms, and there was less fighting when it was time to clean, b/c everyone knew what space they were suppose to clean. I know now, God was working his magic.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't think everyone should have a bunch of kids. I don't think you have to become foster parents. I know God makes everyone different, and their desires different, and it is good that everyone is different. I do, though, know this is the path he wanted us to take, changing our minds and our heart all along the way so that we would do his will. It is funny to look at where we are now in life, and think if we could have ever imagine this once upon a time.

I even think about our time with Talan in our home. He is still so much in my heart. I think about him a lot, and wish things had been different, so that we could be his forever family. I have that desire. There is a time I would have never had that desire. I would have never voluntarily taken on a child with the needs he had, but the Lord had a different idea. I was able to do it, and it wasn't scary. I look at children with special needs so differently now. I was talking to Clay yesterday and told him that I am beginning to think that I would one day like to take on more special needs children, ones that are hard to find homes for...that having Talan made me not scared to do that. I know now isn't the time with all that we have, but I hope there will be a time for that someday. Even Clay agreed that he thought we might could do that. Amazing to me. I think just my experience with Talan has made my acceptance of Z's longterm diagnosis easier. I know I will be able to do it. I would have never voluntarily taken on a child with FASD had I just read about it on paper. It is so scary to read about it. But I know the child, and he is so special.

Back to my original point. My quiver isn't full. We rearranged our house so that now we have 4 bedrooms. So, now the babies share a room, the girls share a room, and we have an empty bed in Noah's room. Two of our bedrooms are really big, and I think about how I could easily fit a toddler bed in both rooms. Am I crazy? Yes, I am, I know that, I admit that. Or maybe...it isn't that I am crazy, but the Lord is telling me that we are not done. We DO have room for more children....there are more children that need us.

I know there is more to having kids besides having the space. I know I have plenty of love to go around. My kids have been talking lately about wanting more...so I am not warping them with all these kids....or maybe I am brainwashing them to think as crazily as I do. :) I feel the desire for more...I hate knowing there are kids that need a home, and I have space, and love, and time. I do have time. It may seem crazy to others to hear me say that, but I know if the Lord needs me to care for more children, he will also help me to be able to do it. I feel confident in that.

I often think about my invaluable experience of working at a nursing home. What wisdom we can get from someone near the end of their life. I can guarantee none of them ever said, "I had too many children". I did have several smile with joy as I talked about my children, and they remembered when theirs were younger. I remember one that had 6 children, and she just beamed with pride everytime any of them were around. If anything, I did hear some say they should have had more children. They had lived their life, and they could look back and see what was important. It wasn't a job, it wasn't a big house...all of that was gone. The saddest ones there were the ones who had no children, or none that visited. I remember ones with big families talking about how there would be several in 1 bed....that is so hard to even imagine this day and age. I also remember how they would tell me over and over again how precious children are. How I need to just take the time to enjoy them. What wisdom.