Angry, heartsick, and selfish

That below caption "a calm in the storm" meant several things. Literally, it was a calm in our house, after the craziness of a winter storm outside. It also had another meaning...a calmness for me in my spinning mind. I honestly feel like there is a storm swirling in my mind and my heart these days. I tell ya, Satan is really getting me on this one, friends.

If you read my private blog, you know that we have some uncertainty going on with our baby C right now. I wanted to write this on my public blog, as I feel like I need to confess how I am feeling...get it out in the open, ask for prayers, peace, and healing.

Our 2 foster children are biological brothers. They are Z and C. We have had Z in our home for over 1 1/2 years. His parental rights have been terminated. We are just waiting on an appeal to be over so that we can adopt him. We brought his 1 day old brother into our home the day we went to court for Z's parental rights to be terminated. We took C with huge, open hearts, knowing that this would be a longterm thing...we were bringing in a child to our family, that we had hopes to adopt, to become our family forever. Until this point, we had no intentions of adopting anymore of our foster children, and were really considering being done with fostering for awhile anyway, b/c I was pretty burned out after caring for a sick, special needs baby for 5 months. We had to take C though. He was immediately our family, b/c of our great love for his brother.

At court, there was no one stepping up to take him, and a terminating date was set. That date will be coming up in just a week. In just a week, his rights would be terminated, and we could just wait things out for his adoption. As his court date gets closer, I get more angry, thinking about how easy things "could have been" I just can't get past it. So close, and things would be so easy this time. No waiting, wondering, hurting.

But, a family member has stepped up and wants him. A very nice family. Good people...the kind you would want to raise someone. But I can't be happy. I can't find peace. I am angry. Very angry. They want to raise him, and seperate him from his brother. They love him though, very much. I think they would take Z too, but they have been told they can't b/c of the termination, and I am so thankful for that, b/c I would die if I had to give Z up. I want to like them b/c they are good people, but I don't want to like them, b/c they are willing to seperate the brothers, and I guess in some way I am too....since I would never offer to let Z go too. But I don't want to seperate them...I want to keep them both.

I became a foster parent b/c I wanted to be selfless. I wanted to love and care for these kids, for however long they needed me. I could be the bigger person, I could let them go. Because it is not about me. It is about these precious children, that God needs me to care for.

But now it is about me. I feel very selfish. I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to leave, and I don't want to keep loving, caring for something that I am going to lose. I get upset when he is so fussy...b/c I feel like I am sacrificing myself, my family, and I just don't have it in my to give it all anymore if he isn't going to be mine.

But I have to keep on. I can't give up. He is our family. We are all very invested, and very much in love with him. I have to be strong, I have to be brave, I have to be selfless....for C, for Z, for my big children. They can't watch me handle this so poorly.

I am just so angry, and I can't get past that. This decision is up to the judge, she will decide if the boys will stay together. Foremost though, It is really up to God. He knows best, and I should just be thankful that it is sweet caring people, that really love C, that want him. I know all this, and have had some wonderful advice from a sweet friend. Somedays I am just fine. Others though, it just about eats me up, and today is one of those days, so I decided to lay it all out there for you, because I don't want to keep being angry. Being angry just makes me not enjoy the time I have with him...and I have to enjoy the time I have with them...b/c I don't know how long that may be.