our homestudy tomorrow

With much anticipation, we will finally be having our homestudy tomorrow. I am nervous, excited, hopeful, overwhelmed, and dreading it. All rolled into one!

There is nothing like cleaning your house, to make ya question the desire to want more kids. We keep our house moderately clean for the most part. To the extent that we can get the whole thing clean and presentable within an hour, and scrubbed and very clean and couple of hours. Clay was awesome today helping with the kitchen and mopping. I did the bathroom scrubbing, our bedroom, laundry and all that is involved with that, den, vacuuming, and directed the kids in their cleaning. Just doing deep cleaning, you notice just how much is neglected with the day to day pick ups, and wonder how it can get so bad, so quickly. And I wonder, how much worse will it get with more kids?? I run through all the stages in my mind that our kids have already been through, and the havoc they reeked, and wonder, am I ready to go back through that again?

The direction of the kids cleaning is what got me though. First, let me say, Leah was awesome. I don't know that I have ever said that after cleaning, but she was my big helper today. And b/c it just wouldn't be right actually have all or just 2 kids cooperate, I had to tell Noah at least 10 times to clean his room so I could vacuum. Rachel....oh my dear Rachel. Just when I think she is really coming around and growing out of her difficult stages, we have a day like today. Wheh....Over and over and over and over again I would tell her to do something. She would either ignore me, or whine that she was hungry. Or stop to eat. Or stop to suck her thumb or sniff her blanket. The blanket finally got taken away. I fed her plenty. Did I mention our lesson at church this morning was on anger? He was using examples of how he had yelled at his kids, and how demeaning it is to them. And what did I do? I yelled. I lost my temper. And in the end, when I had really had enough of that crap from her. I really yelled. And I told her I wanted to knock her in the head. Or something to that extent. Did I lay a hand on her? No....but the words I chose to get my point across to her were horrible. Did I hurt her feelings, yes very much. But did she finally decide to do what I ask?? Yes she did, that ONE time. I was not mad about the mess. I was mad about the outright defiance, ALL DAY LONG, and had finally had enough! But, how often will I have to deal with that with a kid that hasn't learned better. Or hasn't learned coping skills. Or is actually TRYING to get me to have an outburst b/c that is all they know.

Yep. I was cleaning my house to have someone come into our home so we could appear perfect to them so that they would let more children live in our home, and if she had walked in our home when I was talking to Rachel that way.....I am pretty sure she would have wrote a big X across our paper. I am ashamed. I am repenting. I am asking for prayers that we are even making the right decision to be foster parents. Because I am starting to question if I am really cut out for that job. I have been really stressed lately, and I am reminded how I cope when I am stressed. I am anticipating my husband looking for a new job. I am anticipating starting school back up. Adding Rachel to the mix now, and feeling the pressure of all that Noah needs to learn in 2nd grade. How am I going to be able to do it all? I just don't know if I have it in me. Why oh why couldn't we have gotten this done back in April when we were ready....instead of now. Does this mean we are just being tested by the devil, trying to keep us from doing God's will, or is it truly just not the right time for us right now. I just don't know. Please pray.