Zachariah is 3 months

Oh, my beautiful brown eyed baby. You are now 3 months old. You are talking to us, with the CUTEST little baby coos, and beautiful smiles for us everyday. Just this week you have started sleeping through the night, and have been in a very good mood. You are happy to just chill in your chair or swing, but are always happy to be in our arms. I don't know much about the first 6 weeks of your life, but you have now lived with us for half your life. (haha). I look at you everyday, and I feel sad for your momma. What a hard, sad life she has had, and what a shame it is that she doesn't know the joy and peace of loving you. You are such a precious gift. I am overwhelmed at times with the love I feel for you...that I have felt from the beginning, for a son that was not born of me, that may never be "mine". You have fit right into our family, like you have always been meant to be here. Even your name, Zachariah Ray, is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing.

I wish you could know your momma. I wish she would know you. But as I look at out 2 newest children, and what they have been through b/c of drugs, maybe your mom is doing the best thing for you by staying away. I know that you know me as your momma now. I hope that I will always get to be, but I know that may not be so, and we have a long road ahead of us until we will know that. Even if you do not grow up in our home, I hope, somehow, you will know that you will always have a momma that loves you.

Today, as I was looking at you, I had a thought, that it will be time for the paternity test results to come back soon. I became so overwhelmed with sadness. I struggle with my feelings on this. Your father comes every week to see you. This is not common for children in foster care, to have a father involved in their life, and I should be rejoicing that you do. But today, my overwhelming thought was, "if he is your dad, you may be leaving us". Already, I can feel the grief seeping in. But, I was also saddened, that if this isn't your dad, there is a possiblity, you may never know who is. You do have a father though, a heavenly father, and he will always be there for you, no matter who your earthly parents are. That is what I have to keep reminding myself of, that he will take care of you. I pray for you everynight that his will be done, and for you to have a good life, no matter what that may be.

I hope that even if we don't have you forever, that it will still be for several months to come, because I am so enjoying getting to know the person you are becoming. You are so beautiful and special Zachariah, and you have been such a blessing to our family. You have come a long way in 3 months, and I can't wait to see what comes next.