Don't you know how that happens!?!

That is a line I heard so many times during that 2 year span when I was spitting out babies. You can imagine all the flack and jokes we got at the hospital as the nurses remembered us each time. It is o.k. to have 2 back to back...yes, we really didn't know at the time how that happens...haha, but to do it a third time...SURELY we knew by now how that happens! Yes, I do know how that happens...birth control pills made me psycho and they were flushed down the toilet...that is how that happened. And what a blessing both my girls are. WHAT A BLESSING! I always wanted a big family. We had 2 families at church that had 5 children, and I would watch them with fascination...so I wanted a big family. And I used to babysit these 2 boys, Connor and Kyle, and they were adorable...and they were only a year apart, and I had hoped my kids would be like that. And they were!

I know I touched on this in my posts about my babies...but truly, that was a VERY crazy time for us. VERY. I lived each day truly as....oh, we made it through this day. And I wouldn't have made it through a lot of my days had I not had my sister staying with me to keep me company, my husband close by at work that could take off and help me, and my mom to help with shots, and doc visits, and to babysit a few hours a week so I could get out by myself. My mother in law kept them either on Friday or Sat every weekend so that Clay and I could go eat, grocery shop...whatever just to have some time away together. That was so important. And then I went back to work at Wagnon Place, and worked 3 weekdays, and as much as I missed them....work truly was a vacation...much easier than being home taking care of them. I worked much harder on my days off than when I was at work. This is how I survived Rachel's first year of her life.

While I was pregnant with Rachel, I had a very active 1 year old, and getting active very quickly 6 month and older child, and I was EXHAUSTED. And Very moody, and poor, had a 2 bdrm house...couldn't spend the gas money to go see family and friends in Monticello...had to use that money for formula and diapers. (I wasn't able to breastfeed with any of my babies...but that is a whole story in itself). I KNEW I was blessed, but I just didn't feel that way. I was excited about my 3rd baby, but so exhausted, scared and everything else. So we begain talking about how to prevent this from happening one more time. As stressed as I was physically....so was my husband financially, and mentally as well. So, we came to the decision that I would get my tubes tied. We were on medicaid for our 3rd baby, and it paid for me to have my tubes tied.

So the morning after my 3rd child was born, they wheeled me in the operating room, strapped my arms down beside me, and while I lay there feeling so scared, alone, and doubtful of my decision, I watched my doctor flirt with my pretty nurse, while they nonchalantly tied my tubes. I remember my anthesiologist standing by my head...very kind, asking me over and over again if I was o.k....and at one instant my nose was itching, and he scratched it for me. (This is the same one I'd had with me giving birth the day before. I had overheard some nurses badmouthing him...saying he was a womanizer and a jerk, but at that moment, I felt he was the only one on my side) I remember I went home from that hospital that night, wanting to be brave and to do it all on my own. Leah jumped in my lap and bounced on my belly, and I tried so hard to fight back tears b/c my mother in law was there, but as soon as she left, I called my mom fighting back tears, and told her that yes, I wanted her to come help the next day. And she helped me out so much during that time b/c I couldn't even lift my other 2 babies.

At the time, I was so overwhelmed, I did think that having my tubes tied was the best decision...and I accepted that as best as I could. I mean, 3 kids is enough for anyone, right?? I should just feel lucky to have those. But as time went on, my kids got older....the weight and finality of that decision began to weigh very heavy. Guilt....pure guilt. When once I would laugh and tell people, YES, I know how this happens, and that is why I put a stop to it and had my tubes tied.....I then became very embarrassed about it. Ashamed that I CHOSE to not have anymore children, when so many people around me couldn't have children, or had to stop b/c of problems, or wasn't able to have another after the first was so easy. I felt guilty for having my children so easily, and also guilty for chosing to not have more. Whenever people would ask me if we were through, or going to have more, I would just quietly say, I can't have anymore children, and hope they wouldn't ask me why. I think if I had known I had to get them tied for medical reasons, or there was a reason I could have more for any other reason besides the fact I made that decision....I could have dealt with that better.

And then we started photographing weddings. And if you have ever been to a catholic wedding, their main focus for the ceremony is blessing their marriage and talking about how children are a gift from God, and how they are his blessings on them. And that laid even more guilt in my lap. Who was I to make the decision that I have had enough children...when it should have been God's decision. How many more children did he have planned for me, that I stopped? Because I can't remember if I ever even prayed about my decision to have my tubes tied. Guilt....major Guilt. And I allowed it to be directed towards my husband. Afterall, even though I agreed to have that done to myself, I did not reach that decision without much influence from him. And I blamed him. And I was letting it quietly eat me up inside.

And even now, as I type this, I feel like I am confessing a deep sin. Please don't get me wrong. I have NEVER judged anyone for any decisions they make about having children. I don't think about it, nor care. I am strickly talking about how I have judged myself and the decision I made. But, I have found some peace. And I know this time, God has given me that peace. My guilt, as I said was building and building, and at the same time I had been hoping, dreaming that we could somehow have more children. And one day, when I was in prayer, it came to me, just as if God was speaking to me....I believe he was. And I realized that day, that it was o.k. I no longer had to hate myself, blame my husband, and carry that guilt. He still has a plan for me and our family. And this plan is to have more children, but not by growing them in my womb, but by growing them in our heart. And maybe, just maybe, having my tubes tied was in God's plan all along. He knew all along my dream had been to be a mom of someone else's children. I was looking into it already when I became pregnant with Noah. Even before I had my own children, I was open to the idea of adoption. But would I be starting this journey now if I had continued to have children? Would we have started our business that brought us to LR, and allowed me to become involved with DHS, to know the system, and to know others that are doing this right now, to know that I could do it too? No, we wouldn't be in this place at all if I had continued to have more children of my own. Would I have even been blessed with more children if I hadn't made that decision?? I don't even know that I would....although as easily as I had them, I figure that I probably would have. And b/c I truly believe that I am doing God's will for my by becoming a foster parent, I am able to be open just to fostering, even knowing that after I love them like my own, they may have to leave. And the best part....my resentment towards Clay is gone, and I am so glad for that. It brings such peace. He didn't deserve for me to feel that way, and I know that, and now, I am just so thankful that he has agreed to fostercare with me. Such a blessing.